My skin belongs to him in every way, every shape and form. I am him in so many ways, for he is me also. When my heart beats next to his I am scared, I feel something I never believed was possible for I don’t understand what I feel every time my skin touches his. It’s an electric spark that lights my sheltered life and places my heart on the tip of his tongue. I am someone so vulnerable in the moment I share with him. The ecstasy is intense. His pupils dilate, our lips meet. It’s beautiful. Then, I remember, he’s not mine, he didn’t belong to me, he never will, I am not her but I did it for the loneliness I felt and honestly, I did it for my heart that he stole, I did it for him. It was always for him.
If I close my eyes now I can still feel the moment I knew this was real for me. The moment my eyes laid on his presence and he intimidated me yet intrigued me, he got my attention immediately. The ******* his arm, she was pale and uninteresting. The cigarette he smoked while his blue eyes locked on mine. The room went quiet and the smoke filled the air, the haze was thick and I was scared but his stare led me from the darkness in my mind, it was a soul connection I had never felt before, he was so familiar yet I hadn’t seen him before. He was handsome, like an old movie star. The loudness became a silence as I felt a magnetic attraction to a human I had never felt before.
I remember lying next to him and feeling as if nothing could hurt me, nothing can hurt me. The music I hear is only from his lips of how he has the same demons as me and we belong together. We understand each other. No one understands him but me. He looks me in the eye, I don’t judge him for all he has done. My love is still perfect to me. He places his head on my chest I hold him all night, skin to skin, heart to heart, lips to lips, this is my happiness.
He promised me Paris and lying together under the stars on a bed of roses whilst gazing at the star all we could witness was our future played out in the stars that determined our fate. Watching old movies, he would hold me tighter than I had ever been held before. I knew then I loved him. I knew he wasn’t meant for this earth, he was too precious but behind his sad eyes I felt a calling to his pain, I just wanted to be his. I remember talking to him that night for hours. My head on his chest, my fingers through his.
I can still hear Bon Iver playing through his speakers as our lips touched. I still smell his cologne, it stains my mind but remains my favourite smell. I remember his vinyl’s playing on his record player and how he held me all the way through the Sunday morning. The autumn sun blazing through his curtains and highlighting the dark room where we slept. Our palms placed against each other’s as the sun caught his face. It was magic. The way he skimmed my back and kissed every inch of my skin as if he was grateful I was lying next to him. The closeness reminded me I was human.
I recall the mornings after when I was lying next to him and I felt friendship more than just his body. I know the happiness I felt was real. It was true. I remember the laughter that filled my room of unhappiness but I forgot the pain in his arms. His fairy lights lit all around the bedroom as I sat on his bed. His gentle kiss upon my face was a reminder I was more to him than what I thought I was.
The day I read the message that wrote he loved me. I’ll never forget. Flashbacks to the night we kissed became my paradise. I belonged with him. The bedsheets were our clothes and he was my skin. At first we ****** then we fell in love. We would talk nearly all day until I felt tired and slept on his chest. He was beautiful. The moments we began to get ready in the mornings and he would catch a glimpse of me in the mirror. His arm draped around my neck as he smiled at us in the mirror, he would kiss my cheek, my head and my lips.
He was my winter coat for those cold nights in the city.
I wish I could say this was permanent but it wasn’t. Life called us for different paths but an encounter I’m grateful for. One day when my skin isn’t the same and my memory fades, I’ll hope I can cling to those memories that meant so much. Nothing lasts, life nor love, I remember he is not mine, he didn’t belong to me, he never will. I am not her but I did it for the loneliness I felt and honestly, I did it for my heart that he stole, I did it for him. It was always for him.