Perhaps I should blame my inner demon for how complicated my mind has become
this uneasiness with the easiness of stress free living
and maybe I've lived in the present long enough to know what is to come
living in the present is like sailing on the bright blue ocean, the beauty is everywhere, surrounds you, wind in your face, the sun on your skin, cool spray across the deck while the boat gently rocks
yet an uneasiness calls from below, a black bilge pump and drain with leaky seals, and deeper still the ocean depths, cold, dark, and suffocating
that which lurks below is more real than whats above
I'm taking on water, its only a matter of time before the boat goes down
I'm acutely aware of what it feels like to drown
The past encroaches on the present, fills it with painful regret
while the beautiful bright blue slips away
I wish I could explain it better
I'm in a vicious cycle of contradicting regret
there's a storm on the horizon
a leak in the boat
everything that exists below is darkness come upon me,
I feel it in my gut at this very moment, right now, right here, an impending doom, my own little apocalypse
retrospect and regret they never go away
today is nothing more than tomorrow's yesterday and I am continually being shamed by that which I am already ashamed of