i want to write
but, not just anything
i want to write beauty
i want to write poetry that transforms people
i want to write so exquisitely that when a person who doesn’t love, or rather show love, reads my work, theyre overwhelmed with emotion and passion and love
i want to change people’s perspectives on the world.
i want people to fall in love with the delicacy of life and the human race, the way that i do everyday
but how, how can i write all of this grace when im so angry?

anger is the least graceful emotion
and im angry all the time, at nothing specifically
im just angry
sometimes i can feel myself getting angry in my stomach
it starts in the pit
then it travels up and up and it feels like its consuming me
and my chest gets tight and
i cant breathe
and i can feel the blood hastening its flow through my veins
my head burns like someone set me on fire and i lose control of my body
it feels like the air flow to my brain has been disconnected.

i become a ball of energy
no longer able to control its own thoughts, feelings, emotions, movements
or anything for that matter
how can i breathe my own words into other peoples hearts
if i cant even get myself to breathe air?

i dont like the person i become when im angry.
its as if i forget im human and i turn into a machine whose only purpose is destruction
i get scared of who i am when im angry
i get scared to hurt someone. not physically, but emotionally, i am so mortally terrified of scarring someone else’s heart
emotional scarring doesnt heal like the scarring of the flesh, it stays, constantly reappearing in your frontal lobe, all the time.
who am i to bestow that kind of pain on someone else?
no one, i am no one.

i want to write
beauty
passion
misery
emotion

i dont like who i am when im angry

inhumane

destructive

i want to do better.

i will do better.