i think i'm fat.
i say "think" because
everyone tells me
i'm not
when i bring it up
maybe i'm not
"fat",
per se,
but i'm not thin,
nor am i healthy.
i gorge myself
on carbs and chocolate,
caffeinating to the point of
insomnia,
ignoring exercise
every chance i get.
there are other words for me,
somewhat flattering words-
chubby,
curvy,
squishy,
huggable.
i know someone
who would add words like
"cute" and "pretty" and "beautiful"
to that list.
i don't believe her.
i love her and care about her
more than she knows,
but i don't believe her.
i find no beauty in fat,
no cuteness in stretch marks.
i find only
ugliness
and self-hatred.
i've been trying to change that,
for both her
and myself.
i know how horrible it feels
to look in the mirror
and hate what i see,
to skip meals
and squirm from the discomfort
of my hunger
but bear it
and not take a bite
for fear of more stretch marks
and added pounds.
i might change that,
eventually-
eat a little healthier,
embrace my curves and squishiness,
but for now,
it's who i am.
i guess,
for now,
it's just
me.