Oct 2017
I hate being maternal
I hate being fearful
I hate being traumatised
I hate being quiet.
I hate my attraction to men
Because it makes me fearful
That I’ll have kids
And they’ll be neglected, empty and loveless.
I hate being anxious
I hate losing control
I hate my upbringing.
If it weren’t for the confusion
And the belting and the yelling
I wouldn’t be scared.
I hate my attraction to men
Because it made me fearful
I was told that they’re rapists
And they’d take advantage of me.
I hate being weak
I hate being gendered
I hate looking and feeling small.
I wish I was only attracted to women
Because I’d be less fearful
I wouldn’t worry about having kids.
I hate feeling inadequate
I hate feeling like a machine
I hate feeling weak.
I wish conversion therapy worked
Because I hate being attracted
To any man who might hurt me
Or force me to have kids
Or force me to be his slave
Or refuse to accept who I am.
I hate being viewed as a woman
I hate when I try to express affection
Women laugh at it, and men take it the wrong way.
I hate being invalidated
As a non-binary person
Who doesn’t want to cause anyone pain.
I hate ****** attraction towards men
Because if it weren’t for self-control
I’d dig my own grave
And possibly that of unwarranted children.
I hate being an unhappy child
Because if I was raised lovingly
I wouldn’t be anxious
I wouldn’t be cursing my sexuality
For including men
Because I wouldn’t be scared
Of having kids
Cos I’d know I would raise them
The happy way I was raised.
If I was raised lovingly,
I know I’d raise kids that way too
And they wouldn’t suffer
They wouldn’t blame me
And the cycle of raising kids lovingly
Would be passed on throughout generations.
Tell me I’m exaggerating
But my dad swore
He wouldn’t raise me
The way his father raised him.
But I was terrorized
By his beltings
Just like the ones
His father gave him.
So I hope you understand
Why I hate part of my sexuality
And why for the good of others
I don’t want kids.
I want to stop this cycle
Of fear, pain and suffering
Even if it ends me.
Even if no-one remembers me.
It’s good for my conscience
To say this right here and now
I hate being scared
And I’d hate for anyone
To be afraid of me.
11th October 2017
I hate being fearful
I hate being traumatised
I hate being quiet.
I hate my attraction to men
Because it makes me fearful
That I’ll have kids
And they’ll be neglected, empty and loveless.
I hate being anxious
I hate losing control
I hate my upbringing.
If it weren’t for the confusion
And the belting and the yelling
I wouldn’t be scared.
I hate my attraction to men
Because it made me fearful
I was told that they’re rapists
And they’d take advantage of me.
I hate being weak
I hate being gendered
I hate looking and feeling small.
I wish I was only attracted to women
Because I’d be less fearful
I wouldn’t worry about having kids.
I hate feeling inadequate
I hate feeling like a machine
I hate feeling weak.
I wish conversion therapy worked
Because I hate being attracted
To any man who might hurt me
Or force me to have kids
Or force me to be his slave
Or refuse to accept who I am.
I hate being viewed as a woman
I hate when I try to express affection
Women laugh at it, and men take it the wrong way.
I hate being invalidated
As a non-binary person
Who doesn’t want to cause anyone pain.
I hate ****** attraction towards men
Because if it weren’t for self-control
I’d dig my own grave
And possibly that of unwarranted children.
I hate being an unhappy child
Because if I was raised lovingly
I wouldn’t be anxious
I wouldn’t be cursing my sexuality
For including men
Because I wouldn’t be scared
Of having kids
Cos I’d know I would raise them
The happy way I was raised.
If I was raised lovingly,
I know I’d raise kids that way too
And they wouldn’t suffer
They wouldn’t blame me
And the cycle of raising kids lovingly
Would be passed on throughout generations.
Tell me I’m exaggerating
But my dad swore
He wouldn’t raise me
The way his father raised him.
But I was terrorized
By his beltings
Just like the ones
His father gave him.
So I hope you understand
Why I hate part of my sexuality
And why for the good of others
I don’t want kids.
I want to stop this cycle
Of fear, pain and suffering
Even if it ends me.
Even if no-one remembers me.
It’s good for my conscience
To say this right here and now
I hate being scared
And I’d hate for anyone
To be afraid of me.
11th October 2017
This poem lays my heart openly bare, it's extremely personal so I hope you appreciate that as a reader.
The title is important- if it weren't for me experiencing ****** attraction to men to any degree, I wouldn't feel as if being sexually involved with any of them might spiral out of control so that I'd end up with kids, and those kids would eventually be abused by me, the same way I was abused by my father who swore he'd NEVER belt me like his father did, but got angry and belted me which betrayed my trust.
No one is perfect, and how anyone is raised WILL influence how they raise their children. My father was abused in anger, so he abused me when he was angry. And I know that'll be the case with any children in my care, hence why I wish I could stop the cycle entirely by only finding women and afab (assigned female at birth) people attractive, therefore not putting myself in a situation to get pregnant and have any kids.
So yeah, hope this backstory wasn't too tedious and that it helps you understand why I wrote this poem ^
The title is important- if it weren't for me experiencing ****** attraction to men to any degree, I wouldn't feel as if being sexually involved with any of them might spiral out of control so that I'd end up with kids, and those kids would eventually be abused by me, the same way I was abused by my father who swore he'd NEVER belt me like his father did, but got angry and belted me which betrayed my trust.
No one is perfect, and how anyone is raised WILL influence how they raise their children. My father was abused in anger, so he abused me when he was angry. And I know that'll be the case with any children in my care, hence why I wish I could stop the cycle entirely by only finding women and afab (assigned female at birth) people attractive, therefore not putting myself in a situation to get pregnant and have any kids.
So yeah, hope this backstory wasn't too tedious and that it helps you understand why I wrote this poem ^
