The first time I swam in the sea
I got caught in a rip
Like a tourist
The current turned against me
and took me off the edge of the sand bank
way out of my depth
And all I could think was how stupid I must look
I tried to do all the right things
Not fighting the current
Swimming at an angle
But it was like I was on a treadmill
Paddling hard and going nowhere
Frustrated to see people yards away
up to their waists
where I had just been
walking

When my mind turns against me
I don't notice until I'm off the sand bank
Out of my depth
I am a tourist in my own life
I don't know these waters
and no matter how hard I try
to do the right things
I can't make it work
I'm fighting just to stay in the same spot
just to keep my head above the water
unnoticed
while everyone else carries on walking

That day in the Indian ocean
I came so close to saving myself
minute by minute
inching closer to the sand bank
But as I tired
I started to fall back
and I asked a man to grab my hand
and pull me the last metre
onto solid ground
I felt so ashamed
for needing three seconds of a stranger's time
when I got myself into that rip
and I should have gotten myself out


The day I signed up for therapy
I felt that solid ground come up to meet me
but that same shame
that I hadn't reached it myself
Maybe I could have made it to the shore
if I just kept trying
But I was so tired
and I was falling back


My dad has never reached out a hand
never spoken up and asked to be pulled
the final metre
He stays in the rip
to fight the current alone
He's become a diver there
and learned to breathe underwater
While we walk on our sand bank
and don't notice his bubbles