I make circle around my left thigh with my hands like I’m trying to tie a rope around it: a portable measuring tape.
I tighten the noose. I try not to groan. I dig my nails right in. I’m wondering why I take up so much space.
I loosen my grip and put my feet up on the chair in front of me and check my knees are looking sufficiently knobbly today. I’m wondering why I take up so much space.
The sweaty, red-faced punter who got on at Busby and sat down next to me smells like all the things I hate about Glasgow: cheap *****, stale cigars and a sausage supper. Greasy chips drowning in vinegar, choking on salt.
In the space between us he shoves his rucksack. When I feel it against my leg I flinch. Another sensation connecting me to this world. I slide to the right, apologising to Mr. Greasy Chips like I’ve done something terribly wrong and I just don’t want to feel— I don’t want to feel the fabric touching my body.
I’m wondering why I take up so much space. If I were smaller, just a bit smaller there would be enough room for his ******* bag.
I can’t sit still on the bus today. I’m coughing because of the stale cigar smoke and some guy’s cheap aftershave and I’m wondering why I take up so much space.