Gripping tightly, my left hand ‘round the sharp blade of a knife
while gently caressing your hair with the other

I’ve tried so hard to hold on to you without losing myself

I’ve twisted and turned reality, railing against the tide
desperately searching for a way
a way to make something not what it actually is
like an alchemist off the rails, high on vapor

And yet finally, with the futility of it all sublimely amusing
the pain finally searing beyond my ability to tolerate,
I must finally come to terms with the meaning of goodbye

Not goodbye as in ‘maybe someday’
or goodbye as in ‘until we meet again’
Goodbye with a capital G, with finality, with certainty

And not the first goodbye, or one of many, rather
The last goodbye, the one from which there is no return trip

I loved you as best I could, and with abandon
But in the end, I must choose myself

I must choose my own life, and if that means killing
the fetus of our metaphoric future, then so be it

There can be nothing left.  Scorched earth.  
No glimmer of hope, not a grain of sand
We aren’t tragic heroes, we’re just tragic

I won’t turn back as I walk away,
even so briefly, to look in your direction

I won’t unintentionally find my way
onto your street for an accidental encounter
I won’t consciously unconsciously keep you hanging
to ease my fear

Find a lover or don’t
Find another, don’t
Either way I choose me this time, for the first time. Ever.

Not just good day sir,

Goodbye