I hate feeling unsure about everything thing I do
Not knowing if what I'm saying is the right thing to say
And not knowing if what I'm doing is the right thing to do
I hate regretting every decision I make
And forcing myself to imagine all of the most horrible outcomes
This insecurity that controls me overpowers any happiness I feel
And I'm so tired of it
Tired of this hate I feel for myself
And tired of my inability to do anything about it
I should love myself for who I am and not have to change in order to do that
Because I am beautiful and perfect just like I am
But my eyes aren't able to see it
And my mind isn't able to think it
Others can say that I'm pretty and gorgeous and beautiful
But the words that come out of their mouths are incomprehensible to me
Depression-filled nights and binging on strawberry poptarts and cheerios is all I know
Not love for myself or others
All I know is nights where I just cry and cry until my mascara streaks my cheeks
Where my eyes burn from all the tears I've shed
Self-hate and insecurity are rearing their ugly heads once again
And I'm just so tired of having to see them
But yet I still get up the next day
Because that is what's expected of me
And because I know there's no other options but to push on and keep trying
I say I'm okay when I'm really not
And I cake my makeup on so the pain that lies beneath isn't seen
My tears and cries are hidden away between the four dark walls of my bedroom and they only come out at night when my day is over and I'm all alone
I'm all alone with no one to protect me and shield me from the pain I inflict upon myself
But then how would someone protect me from myself?
My thoughts run rampant
They cannot and will not be controlled
Not by me or anyone else