My dearest, darling, hairless friend
Whenever will this torture end?
You buy these teasing tasty treats
Like sausage, chicken and other meats
But then you hide them on the shelf,
Temptation must be bad for my health!

I’m such a good dog, most of the day,
It's not my fault my training strays.
But pity me, I have no thumbs
Instead of hand shakes, I sniff bums.
Don’t smugly tuck the food away!
You know I’ll get it anyway...

Remember that time you cooked the roast?
You were so proud, you had a boast:
‘I can’t wait, it’ll be divine!
The beef will go perfectly with the wine!’
I overheard and wanted to try,
Should I be left out? I don’t see why.

Ok, I shouldn’t have made a mess.
I may have got meat on your dress,
There could be gravy on the rug,
I might’ve broken your favourite mug.
But I just wanted to celebrate,
Because your roast really was that great!

Yes, it was totally destroyed,
And yes you really were annoyed,
Although I had no treats for a week
I hated that I couldn’t speak.
I wanted to say sorry to you,
Because I love you through and through.

I tried saying sorry with that dead bird
But that made you say more swear words.
I licked your face numerous times too
But you didn’t like that I’d been eating poo…
I even tried climbing in your bed
I'm sorry I was sick on the bedspread.

All I’m really trying to say
Is I can’t deny my doggy ways,
I may be a smelly, naughty pain
But really I think that’s your gain!
We have a laugh and so many hugs,
Please forgive me for breaking mugs?

Thanks for all the walks and runs
I love that we have so much fun.
You’re the best owner there could be
So please just listen to my plea!
Stop buying all this tasty food
And I will leave your roasts unchewed!

(I know I did it that one time
But I’m changed now, promise, I regret my crime)