I take a deep breath and slip under the water
There is no grace or elegance
No caution or concern for the waves created,
I breathe freely for the first time in what feels like weeks
The sweet sensation of burning in my lungs
(A reward for waiting so patiently)
I don’t think I’ll ever lose that initial panic at the suffocation,
The clawing at my throat a constant reminder of where I am,
But the deeper I sink
The easier it becomes to swim down
It is, I think, a beautiful contradiction
The longer I drown myself, the darker the murky depths I live in become
The more I crave this broken ecstasy I have created