I fell
Not into a hole like Alice did
Nor did I scrape my knee
But I fell

I was okay
Everything was in control
I was starting to love my body
And come to terms with who I was

I was understanding that its okay to not be perfect
I was understanding what its like to be normal
To not be on medication
To smile and mean that smile

I was happy
Not just the happy where I fake it so everyone else is okay
The happy where I could smile from ear to ear
And laugh like I was 5 years old

I was able to look in the mirror and smile
To see long brown hair
To look at my puckered lips
To be okay with what I was

I was okay until I fell
And it wasn’t a small fall
It wasn’t a fall where I could get back up
In this fall I broke something

In this fall I lost a bit of what I had become
I lost the control
I lost the smile
And I lost being okay

This fall sent me into a hole of thoughts
Thoughts about not wanting to be alive
Thoughts about thinking it would be easier to leave
Thoughts about cutting off connections so I could be sad

I lost my balance
I lost my grip
I lost what you need most to climb the big hill
I lost hope

Because now my days are back to being long
They are back to fighting to breathe
I am fighting to push the thoughts away
But I cant anymore

I lost the block that cut off the bad thoughts to good
I used to be able to understand what I did want
But now all I want is death
All I feel is death

I was perfectly okay
I was loving my body
I was loving myself
Until I fell

Now the creaks in my room are my demons coming back out
The crack beneath my door is just another entry for them to come play
And the block being gone makes it easier to give in
To give up

I fell
Into the hole of depression
I am 1000 feet under
And I don’t want to climb back out