In counseling I wrote a poem
It was a letter to my mom .. Whose if you don't know
Died 4/14/01
  

My mom

Mothers are suppose to be their when their babies need them.

Where were you when I. Needed you ..
Have you forgotten you had children?
Where am I suppose to go.. Who am I suppose to turn to when Im feeling weak when I need my mommy..
I remember your smell
The comfort my head laying on your chest and your fingers in my hair.
Emily and I in the backseat. . you driving. All of us singing loud and full of joy to some country song.
I was 14 when you  died
I need you so bad sometimes

I cry alot .. I lashed out .. I hated you for leaving me .
How is it that I end up being the only kid with no family. .
Treatment for the kid who can't handle her mom dying ..
People wonder why I acted out saying you need to stop these anger outbursts ..
****. I doubt anyone stop and thought maybe its normal that Im having a hard time grieving.. Nope
A therapist and 8 kinds of pills for the list of things I must have

Mom you don't know the war in my head the nightmares I felt ..
The darkness that creeper in
The problem child that fat girl that had anger problems gets out of treatment goes to live with grandparents

The kids at school picked on me .. I had no friends
I run home and grabbed a knife and cut my wrist I screamed. Why did you leave me .. Mom where are u

How any I suppose to live without you..

That was 15 yrs ago

Now Im 30
And Im a **** up just like u were ..
At 25 I got to be 500lbs
With a 2 yr old n a 6 month old ..
I chose ****
5 years later

Im sitting here thinking
You chose ****** and was a needle ******. And died at 42..
I love u I forgive u

I messed up .. I had 4 kids . I lost them i became a needle **** ****** that hates herself. .

Im clean now 17 days
Trying to figure out of to go about talking again to your mom...
My grandma.
Haven't talked to her in 2years..
I don't want her to die with out seeing her.

Well mommy. I love you. And say hi to my poppy and Uncle don !

Love Annare