how are you doing?

perhaps i am holding secrets
and the holder is keeping me captive
like my mind has been caged up
imagination flew someplace far off

and everyones in love now
while i pretend to care about things
when I'd rather just drown

i dont ******* get that i dont get it
that this thing im searching for might just be impossible to find, might just be broken.

wish i could say i didnt care
wish i was strong enough for my lies to even sound half believable
wish waking up in the morning didn't seem so insufferable

i wish i knew i was loved.
or at least what that even feels of.
i wish i could stop acting so ******* tough.
i wish i had the power to say i even really knew anyone.
i wish my mother speaking in tongues stopped making me feel so uncomfortable.

how am i doing?
i feel numb
i feel empty and full and useless and like im being used.
sometimes i feel like even my dog hates me.
so how am i doing?
i don't really have a clue

maybe i should go back to plan A.
i wish i remembered how to pray.