You haunt my dreams,
Egging on the sentiment that my subconscious favors,
The little mantra of
"You're not good enough."
Or
"You're worthless."

And while I should be fired up
Into a frenzied rage
That you would dare treat anyone
As poorly as you treated me,
I am much too tired.

I am much too done.

I am in a lull
Where there is no sound
And no hate-fueled anxiety
Rampaging through my heart.

For my mind is getting the best of me,
It whispers "Are you sure he loves you?"
And before I can respond with logic,
It shuts me up while hissing "Are you sure you're capable of being loved?"

And I try to keep it together,
But I crumble when I'm near him,
When I hear his voice,
Because it's so hard to be strong
In front of someone I only want to be honest with.

Maybe I'm supposed to feel bad
For the way we left things.
Maybe I'm supposed to feel guilt
Inspired by your gaslighting and lies.

But I feel no guilt towards you,
I am punished enough by the dreams where you hurt me,
Again and again and again.

The only guilt I feel
Is that I cannot be better
For him.
At least not yet.
At least not quickly enough.