Feb 2017
Dear Father,
You don't deserve that title. But this is not meant to be degrading, so I won't explore that train of thought further. I don't know if you've realized your wrongs, your errors and follies, and reckless abandonment. I don't know if you're sorry. I don't know you.
You're sitting in prison now. Maybe that's the right place, maybe it's not. But I know when I met you, this most recent time where I was old enough to process information, I know that looking into your eyes was like looking into a mirror. I saw the monster you passed on to me, passed into me, passed over me. I saw the same darkness, the darkness I've tried to reconcile my entire life.
Maybe that's the difference between us. I am not ruled by my darkness as you are. If I had been under your influence, what would I have become then? Who would I be now? Was that what you intended - to stay away from me so that we would not spend years nurturing the darkness in one another? Is that giving you too much credit? Maybe you are aware of what lives inside of you as I am.
I needed you. For years. I never saw a stable male role-model until I was a teenager, and by then I was years behind. I took so long to learn to "be a man," and, even now, I am still crippled with doubts and insecurities about such things. I needed someone to show me how to stand up, stand sure, stand my ground, stand up for myself. Someone to teach me to fight, stick to my guns, never back down, and to never give up. My precious Mother showed me many of these things as best she could, but we are more different than alike. As we have always been. She still did wonderfully, and I love her for it. She gave me everything I have today.
I learned these things slowly, eventually. I've been down a long road. I figured things out, I learned a lot of lessons the hard way. I was knocked down, around, battered, bruised, confused, hurt, and lonely. I've been so lonely and scared. Like there is a child in me constantly trying to find his parents at a crowded supermarket. Panicked. But despite all of this, despite every single unnecessary hardship caused by your absence, I am alive, whole, and well. If for no other reason than to show you what I can be.
I never needed you. And perhaps your abandonment was the only good thing you ever did for me.
-Eric
You don't deserve that title. But this is not meant to be degrading, so I won't explore that train of thought further. I don't know if you've realized your wrongs, your errors and follies, and reckless abandonment. I don't know if you're sorry. I don't know you.
You're sitting in prison now. Maybe that's the right place, maybe it's not. But I know when I met you, this most recent time where I was old enough to process information, I know that looking into your eyes was like looking into a mirror. I saw the monster you passed on to me, passed into me, passed over me. I saw the same darkness, the darkness I've tried to reconcile my entire life.
Maybe that's the difference between us. I am not ruled by my darkness as you are. If I had been under your influence, what would I have become then? Who would I be now? Was that what you intended - to stay away from me so that we would not spend years nurturing the darkness in one another? Is that giving you too much credit? Maybe you are aware of what lives inside of you as I am.
I needed you. For years. I never saw a stable male role-model until I was a teenager, and by then I was years behind. I took so long to learn to "be a man," and, even now, I am still crippled with doubts and insecurities about such things. I needed someone to show me how to stand up, stand sure, stand my ground, stand up for myself. Someone to teach me to fight, stick to my guns, never back down, and to never give up. My precious Mother showed me many of these things as best she could, but we are more different than alike. As we have always been. She still did wonderfully, and I love her for it. She gave me everything I have today.
I learned these things slowly, eventually. I've been down a long road. I figured things out, I learned a lot of lessons the hard way. I was knocked down, around, battered, bruised, confused, hurt, and lonely. I've been so lonely and scared. Like there is a child in me constantly trying to find his parents at a crowded supermarket. Panicked. But despite all of this, despite every single unnecessary hardship caused by your absence, I am alive, whole, and well. If for no other reason than to show you what I can be.
I never needed you. And perhaps your abandonment was the only good thing you ever did for me.
-Eric
