Green comfort just like the old fashioned diaper
I carried around in longer hands
******* my *******
I know I lost my temper
Two days ago
I cleaned up the pieces of the coffee mug I broke
Because I've been and I had seen that violence before
I left my wreckage to be found
Among the bones of an apartment on Pine
Maybe it was Spruce?
His bed was blue
Some artists spray painted on the air conditioning unit
And I was scared and small
So I told my best friend on the bed
While she existed and too, loved the wrong man
"I think I'm done."

I wonder what the insides of my eyeballs must have looked like
Perhaps like I was staring through the end of a telescope
In such need and hope
That I could cut the cord on my own finish line
And just be done
I've always felt eons older than I am.

Like when I was 12 or 13
I wanted so badly to be grabbed
Caressed
I had licked the stuffing of my biggest teddy bear
During the steamy moments of my favorite movies
Or swallowed and played with marbles
Like Doctor, like brother, best friends
Long platinum blonde hair
Nuzzling against the facet or jets in a pool
So eager, so sensational, so ready
To be mature.

I'm 26 now
And I'm interested in everything
But sometimes I struggle to listen
Not because I don't care
Or because I'm a weak connection
But because the wheels never stop spinning
Processing, creating, mobilizing
And as I went and moved
From painting to painting
Sculpture to sculpture
Word for word
Prop to prop
Of my favorite filmmaker
I soaked in every artifact
As the spine of my back
Strengthened in muscle and life.

But the thing is
I told my love
I'm always 12 steps ahead
Its not a blessing or a curse
But just now I was writing with my fingertips
A childish ******* to a museum of carefully curated treasure
To seeing in my minds eye:
A bright pink cupcake dress
Short bobbed hair
My best friend at the time
(I had to walk away from her, like so many before)
Snapped a photo of me on a bench
On my birthday
As the love in my life at that time
Cooked pumpkin bars
And I came home to you
In that little horror house
(My best friend use to call it "Amityville")
And it was...festered with ghosts and a ***** hardwood floor
And I made myself feel happiness
I did.
I think it worked for a moment.

But I'm 26 now
And I'm back in the cold gloom of Chicago
A place that makes total sense
For me to groom and grow in my own dark art
Not every night
But my love he doesn't wait for me
Or cook pumpkin bars
Because he listens to my dreams
And with his strong healthy hands
He wraps his arms around me and says:

You are everything.

And I think and I examine
Am I?

And thats why I do what I do.