I look back on my life
I reflect on my past.
I saw how I just stood still
Never quite followed any clear path.
How could people respect me
If I didn't make any positive moves?
I live in self-hate
With a bad attitude.
I lost my woman, my children
My home, my family.
My life is a dark cloud I live in misery.
I even tried to **** myself
Just the other day.
But God wouldn't let it happen
He kept me anyway.
I called my pastor
He was busy at the time.
I was having a mental meltdown
I was losing my mind.
I took a handful of pills
That only made me sick.
I can't even end my own life
Ain't that a b*tch.
If I ever succeed with suicide
Don't give Leesah the blame.
I'm just tired of this life
I'm not mentally sane.
The only thing that matters
Is my children that I love so.
They are gone from me
My life has no meaning, I think it's my time to go.
My family has turned their backs on me
I ran them all away.
I have mental issues I'm ignoring
Getting more ill everyday.
I hear voices in my head
They talk to me all the time
They torment me
These voices mess with my mind.
My inner voices are my only friends
I know that sounds quite odd.
The only thing I have to hold onto
Are these voices & God.
Nothing else is there for me
No one else is there.
I live a life of pure loneliness
I think no one else cares.
My-Ex says I'm unstable
She says I'm mentally unwell.
She tried to help me, I refused
Now I live in my own personal Hell.
I saw the pain in her eyes
She looks at me with pure disgust.
I allowed my mental illness
To betray her trust.
I can't believe how my life
Has turned for the worst.
I feel like my life is a joke
I feel like I'm cursed.
The mistakes I made in life
Were caused by my own hands.
I went through living my life
Without any clear cut plans.
I've tried talking to God
To him I constantly pray.
It seems as he's forsaken me
Because he doesn't hear me anyway.
I know that's my illness talking
Those voices wanting my faith to waiver.
I'll never let that happen
Because one day I know
I'll receive God's favor.
My mind is everywhere
Mental illness has a hold on my life.
My-Ex tried to warn me.
Why didn't I listen to my wife?
I thought losing my family
Caused my downward spiral.
But truth be told
It was happening for a while.
My mental illness has ruined me
It's left me mentally & physically depleted.
I messed up my life
Because my illness went untreated.
Is it too late to get help?
Why? My family's gone.
I lost my wife, my children
Do I want to go on?
If I never write again
If this poem is my last write.
I know I was the blame
I finally saw the light.
My pride didn't allow me to admit
I'm mentally unstable, mentally unwell.
Because I didn't listen to Leesah
I live in my own lonely private hell.