Jun 2016
October
it's 1 am and your hair still smells like fire. your fingers keep finding their way to your swollen lips and your mind takes you back 3 hours ago when he first kissed you. a smile is permanently etched into your face for the next couple of weeks.
November
it's new. it's exciting. you laugh with your friends giddily. your hand reaches to your phone with immense speed every time it chimes. when he places his hand on your thigh it still sends chills up your spine.
December
you say 'I love you' without having to think about it anymore. his smile is still sweet and his touch is slightly addicting. your mind is racing and aching with an overwhelming sense of need for him.
January
there have been a couple of late nights spent crying into your pillow. your friends tell you that he's being a **** and you shouldn't have to put up with this. excuses for his actions shoot out of your mouth like cannons. "he's had a bad day" "he didn't mean it" "he felt so bad" he kisses your salty tears away. everything is fine the next day. until it isn't anymore.
February
Valentine's Day was wonderful. the other days were spent with your brain racking up thoughts of inadequacy. his kisses were lustful for more, and no longer filled with the nervousness you once found adorable.
March
you finally get the courage to tell him you're upset. you tell him that he doesn't make you feel wanted anymore, good enough for him. he tells you he's sorry. you're everything he's ever wanted. now every time your face crinkles up he engulfs you in his big arms against his boy smelling shirt. you love him. he's the one for you.
April
people look at you when you're together a second longer in the hallways. he's a little distant but quick to make you feel good with shallow compliments. it's almost like he's trying too hard. it's almost like he feels bad for something and is trying to overcompensate. you continue to reassure yourself that things are fine.
May
some random girl asks if you're okay. you say yes with a tone that suggests you're asking a question. he calls you and asks you to come over. nothing is right. your head is hurting and your eyes have been stinging and rimmed red with tears all day.
7 pm
when he tells you he cheated all you hear is static. how? why? but you don't say those words out loud. you don't cry either. but you feel like you're suffocated, like your bones just turned into mush and you can't get up. you look him in the eyes. he feels bad. you can tell. "who the **** was she?" "what the hell is wrong with you" "no, don't touch me" "get the **** away" door slams. your eyes are blurry as you drive home.
9pm
17 unread messages. 9 missed calls. your pillow is your best friend. car pulls up. bedroom door opens. "I'm so sorry" "I love you" "I don't want to be with anyone else" "you mean more to me than her" "please" "I only want you" you look at him. take all of him in. his messy hair from raking his hands through it like he does when he's nervous. his tired grey eyes with beautiful long lashes. "leave"
11 pm
he left. you're sad. you don't believe you're good enough. you blame yourself. what did you do wrong? did you not care enough? did you not have enough ***? why did he have to go find someone else to fill his needs when you've been there this whole time?
1 year later
you went through some rough patches. got back with him 3 times. drank too much. secluded yourself. but then you stopped. he was just a boy. a boy you loved. but he was not your everything. he didn't give you your worth. he wasn't the reason you woke up every morning. making his life better wasn't what you were supposed to do. he's not your ******* sunshine. he's not your early morning coffee. or a hot shower after a long day. he's not a feel good movie or breakfast for dinner. he was a boy. a boy who took you for granted. a boy that made you reevaluate every **** day if you were good enough.
now you know. now you see your beauty. now you don't attach your being to someone else's. now you love yourself first.
it's 1 am and your hair still smells like fire. your fingers keep finding their way to your swollen lips and your mind takes you back 3 hours ago when he first kissed you. a smile is permanently etched into your face for the next couple of weeks.
November
it's new. it's exciting. you laugh with your friends giddily. your hand reaches to your phone with immense speed every time it chimes. when he places his hand on your thigh it still sends chills up your spine.
December
you say 'I love you' without having to think about it anymore. his smile is still sweet and his touch is slightly addicting. your mind is racing and aching with an overwhelming sense of need for him.
January
there have been a couple of late nights spent crying into your pillow. your friends tell you that he's being a **** and you shouldn't have to put up with this. excuses for his actions shoot out of your mouth like cannons. "he's had a bad day" "he didn't mean it" "he felt so bad" he kisses your salty tears away. everything is fine the next day. until it isn't anymore.
February
Valentine's Day was wonderful. the other days were spent with your brain racking up thoughts of inadequacy. his kisses were lustful for more, and no longer filled with the nervousness you once found adorable.
March
you finally get the courage to tell him you're upset. you tell him that he doesn't make you feel wanted anymore, good enough for him. he tells you he's sorry. you're everything he's ever wanted. now every time your face crinkles up he engulfs you in his big arms against his boy smelling shirt. you love him. he's the one for you.
April
people look at you when you're together a second longer in the hallways. he's a little distant but quick to make you feel good with shallow compliments. it's almost like he's trying too hard. it's almost like he feels bad for something and is trying to overcompensate. you continue to reassure yourself that things are fine.
May
some random girl asks if you're okay. you say yes with a tone that suggests you're asking a question. he calls you and asks you to come over. nothing is right. your head is hurting and your eyes have been stinging and rimmed red with tears all day.
7 pm
when he tells you he cheated all you hear is static. how? why? but you don't say those words out loud. you don't cry either. but you feel like you're suffocated, like your bones just turned into mush and you can't get up. you look him in the eyes. he feels bad. you can tell. "who the **** was she?" "what the hell is wrong with you" "no, don't touch me" "get the **** away" door slams. your eyes are blurry as you drive home.
9pm
17 unread messages. 9 missed calls. your pillow is your best friend. car pulls up. bedroom door opens. "I'm so sorry" "I love you" "I don't want to be with anyone else" "you mean more to me than her" "please" "I only want you" you look at him. take all of him in. his messy hair from raking his hands through it like he does when he's nervous. his tired grey eyes with beautiful long lashes. "leave"
11 pm
he left. you're sad. you don't believe you're good enough. you blame yourself. what did you do wrong? did you not care enough? did you not have enough ***? why did he have to go find someone else to fill his needs when you've been there this whole time?
1 year later
you went through some rough patches. got back with him 3 times. drank too much. secluded yourself. but then you stopped. he was just a boy. a boy you loved. but he was not your everything. he didn't give you your worth. he wasn't the reason you woke up every morning. making his life better wasn't what you were supposed to do. he's not your ******* sunshine. he's not your early morning coffee. or a hot shower after a long day. he's not a feel good movie or breakfast for dinner. he was a boy. a boy who took you for granted. a boy that made you reevaluate every **** day if you were good enough.
now you know. now you see your beauty. now you don't attach your being to someone else's. now you love yourself first.
