I don't know why I think about what I'm going to say next. It's like I have to entertain her constantly. Why do I think that way? Is that really what she requires? A court jester? A man who can carry any conversation, no matter how long it takes? I never feel as if I can keep them happy. But is that what I'm supposed to do? Make them happy all the time?

I don't know if I can go through this again. I don't know if I can trust him. It's happened so many times. I used to think my nerves were exciting. Now I dread them. It's as if I'm expecting him to be a failure. Why am I so pessimistic about it all the time? I have to stop thinking about it being the greatest love affair of my life; the last man I will ever love. How can anybody have a conversation like that?

The sun could only wave goodbye. It was once a rite of passage; they watched me and then made love without a thought of tomorrow. Now forever or nothing is all they can think about. And yet they think it's only about hope that will never be true. All this and they don't even know each other yet. Yes, I will return. I always do. But they don't know me anymore. They don't know how to love anyone or trust themselves. How did this happen?