I want to try to understand
why I am so impossible for you to love?
What did I do to make you dislike me so much?
I know I am not the only child you have so
I'm not trying to play victim here
I am the only child though who tried to get to know you
because I needed closure
As a little girl you were supposed to be my protector
instead you were an alcoholic monster
You would rather spend your nights at the bar
only to come home and beat the **** out of my mother
As a kid I needed someone to lean on
when other kids at school bullied me to the point I was starving myself
at eight years old
You were in jail paying for your sins
because the first arrest didn't mean **** to you
As a teenager I needed a man to look up to
I needed someone to show me how a lady should be treated
I got with ******* because my role model was just that
an ******* and the one who stepped up
to fill your shoes wasn't that great of a role model either
I risked every relationship I had with my family
including my mother
so I could try to find closure for the emotional wounds
that just could never seem to heal
In the end I was disappointed
I was called a ******* because I moved an ash tray in the basement
or called a huge **** up for falling asleep with the television on
The only great memories I have of you are smoking cigarettes with you
The only reason I picked up the habit was so I had a way to deal
with all of the anxiety I felt whenever I thought of you
Your Mother wasn't that great of a role model either
she was like Satan in every way possible
I couldn't even breathe around her
without her telling me how much she hated me
I moved away from you because I felt unwanted
It was bad enough I felt like a mistake to the rest of the world
I didn't need to feel that way around you
A week after no contact you call me to tell me you love me
you apologize to me telling me you are sorry for the way you treated me
So I forgave you
because that is what daughters do
Only to get a e-mail months later
telling me how much of a **** I am to you
So I let you go
I drop contact completely only to be dragged into court
four years later to find out that you stole my identity
SERIOUSLY??????
WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE YOU HATE ME SO MUCH??????
I NEED ANSWERS!
I NEED SOMETHING BECAUSE THIS IS ALL TOO MUCH!
I AM TWENTY-THREE YEARS OLD
I AM TOO OLD FOR DADDY ISSUES
I AM SO TERRIFIED TO LET MY CURRENT BOYFRIEND LOVE ME
BECAUSE OF ALL OF THE ****** UP **** YOU DID TO ME
I TRUSTED YOU, I NEEDED YOU
I CUT MYSELF SO I COULD FEEL ANYTHING BUT THE REJECTION YOU CAUSED ME TO FEEL WHEN MOM FILED FOR CHILD SUPPORT
Did you know I tried to **** myself in your basement after that note you left on the kitchen table?
I tried to **** myself with pills but guess what I CAN'T EVEN **** MYSELF RIGHT EITHER!
What scares me the most is that despite all of the *******
I still love you
I don't have it in my heart to hate you because hate kills you
Hate is ugly and I refuse to carry that around and let it ruin my life
I am never going to have the Father that I want
I've accepted that now
I have no problem doing your job and giving myself the support
and closure I need to move on with my life
A part of me will always ache because a part of me will always want a relationship with you
but I can't let you into my life
I can't take being called a **** up again
I fear the next time I hear those words I will end up killing myself
I've come too far for that
I deserve better, Dad
even if you don't think so