Mar 2016
I'm still afraid
I can remember every detail
Of how my childhood derailed.
I remember the last moments
He was in the hospital bed
I could remember mum being there
As he lost more than just his hair
I could remember his cousin
Rapidly pressing the emergency button
I could remember the nurses yells
He was too sickly to hold a smile
But I could remember his eyes
As they start to turn white
And the shine start to taper off.
Mum in tears held my hand
As he breathes his final breath.
I don't tell people
Simply because it isn't a fun story
But I remember every detail
And I tell people I've forgotten.
Another time I remember seeing him
Hunched over the sink combing his hair
His once filled thick hair head
Reduced to tiny fuzz of what it was.
I don't tell people these stories
I tell them of my fun life
I tell them everything good
I make jokes constantly
And I tell myself I've forgotten.
Forgotten every detail...
People tell me I should refer to him
As dad.
But sadly I have no real fond memories.
And even with a full retention memory
I have no memories
Of any quality father son moments.
I can remember every detail
Of how my childhood derailed.
I remember the last moments
He was in the hospital bed
I could remember mum being there
As he lost more than just his hair
I could remember his cousin
Rapidly pressing the emergency button
I could remember the nurses yells
He was too sickly to hold a smile
But I could remember his eyes
As they start to turn white
And the shine start to taper off.
Mum in tears held my hand
As he breathes his final breath.
I don't tell people
Simply because it isn't a fun story
But I remember every detail
And I tell people I've forgotten.
Another time I remember seeing him
Hunched over the sink combing his hair
His once filled thick hair head
Reduced to tiny fuzz of what it was.
I don't tell people these stories
I tell them of my fun life
I tell them everything good
I make jokes constantly
And I tell myself I've forgotten.
Forgotten every detail...
People tell me I should refer to him
As dad.
But sadly I have no real fond memories.
And even with a full retention memory
I have no memories
Of any quality father son moments.
HP you're the only people I've shared this with. Everyone in my life thinks I've forgotten that day. I haven't, I still remember the being pushed to wait outside. The white hospital bed covered in blue sheets. The final moments my life changed. I can remember all of that, yet not one time where me and my dad did anything or see anything. There's videos of him carrying me....of him holding my hand....
But I was 5 and it's been too many years.
Nowadays I refuse to see someone pass away in front of me again, and that's why when great grandma passed, i just stood as far as possible from the casket. I am afraid..... that I'll have to live with another memory every night.
But I was 5 and it's been too many years.
Nowadays I refuse to see someone pass away in front of me again, and that's why when great grandma passed, i just stood as far as possible from the casket. I am afraid..... that I'll have to live with another memory every night.
