Mar 2016
“I could have chosen anybody but I chose you…”
There were many to choose from. You were on the list, however. Your profound interest in whomever you met, be the person mean or not, sparked a sudden interest. You weren’t like the rest. The rest being, the other girls I could have chosen. They had their **** together, but they acted like they didn’t and not having your **** together seemed attractive, so they were in the list. You had your **** together. Why were you there? It were as if we were in a police station. Girls were lined up against the wall and I could see them from the other side of the mirror, they couldn’t see me however. You could, which was strange. Each time I would move or tilt my head you would follow. Your eyes knew where I was and when. You didn’t even react. You just stood there. Calm and aware. All the people next to me looked at me in shock as I pointed to you. “That’s her.” I have never failed to mention this to you.
“Help me get better // you pull me right out of the blue…”
Most people would have left. I wish you would have too. Maybe if you did this would have ended sooner. Your sappy flowers that you never failed to send, lay in the drawer in my new, grim room. I have kept the flowers in the dark, because it was like our love. A love that was in the dark and although the flowers look near dead, they contain everything that other flowers have. I should have placed them on top of the chest of drawers. They should be exposed, bare for everyone to see, not just for me. But no one appreciates dead flowers, the gesture is seen as disrespectful. I like them, though. They understand me. They are experiencing what I have experienced. The outside becomes grim and the inside slowly decays. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here. I was a leap away from drowning in the river. I was a hug away from touching the sky. Thank you for being clingy.
“And daddy don’t like you, but daddy and I never speak…”
He didn’t like you, let’s be honest. You didn’t like him either. He resembled everything you hate and you never failed to express yourself. You were good with your words, if you read this there would be red ink all over the page, maybe that’s why he didn’t like you. You felt the need to correct people. You weren’t perfect. You felt that everyone needed to be perfect even if you weren’t. “The world should be left in the hands of perfect people, that’s why we need to go.” I laughed and I think we were the only two that understood that joke. You hate what he did to my mother and I because you experienced it too. Not with my dad, though. Although he hit her when he was drunk, I was born a coward and couldn’t defend her. That’s why I’m here. I chose this courageous girl and I’m a ****** coward. That’s why I’m here, because opposites attract. That’s why I’m here because I’m a quitter.
“Every night when I wake up // I need you to get back to sleep…”
At night, I would attempt it. I would think about it and reflect. That didn’t seem possible when you were around because you felt the need to protect me. You were as wrecked as I, if not more, yet you needed to make sure I didn’t leave. You needed me to be there because I made you feel sane, even if it were for a few minutes. If you had done as I asked, stayed asleep when I awoke, you would be here today. You would ******* be here. It’s my fault for choosing someone so damaged and aware. You would ******* be here.
“Smells like roses to me // two young lovers at sea // tastes so bitter so sweet // you’re my bang // together we’ll go // bang, bang, bang…”
Of course it smelt like roses. You loved the sappy love it represented. Yes, we were lovers. We were lovers, because I understood you, and you me and I ******* loved you. The sea would become our home. We would cover ourselves in sand to see how long we could last underneath. How long we could ******* breathe. And if the sea wasn’t our oyster, well, we would go bang, bang. Neither of us could jump in front of the gun, because neither of us wanted to be saved.
There were many to choose from. You were on the list, however. Your profound interest in whomever you met, be the person mean or not, sparked a sudden interest. You weren’t like the rest. The rest being, the other girls I could have chosen. They had their **** together, but they acted like they didn’t and not having your **** together seemed attractive, so they were in the list. You had your **** together. Why were you there? It were as if we were in a police station. Girls were lined up against the wall and I could see them from the other side of the mirror, they couldn’t see me however. You could, which was strange. Each time I would move or tilt my head you would follow. Your eyes knew where I was and when. You didn’t even react. You just stood there. Calm and aware. All the people next to me looked at me in shock as I pointed to you. “That’s her.” I have never failed to mention this to you.
“Help me get better // you pull me right out of the blue…”
Most people would have left. I wish you would have too. Maybe if you did this would have ended sooner. Your sappy flowers that you never failed to send, lay in the drawer in my new, grim room. I have kept the flowers in the dark, because it was like our love. A love that was in the dark and although the flowers look near dead, they contain everything that other flowers have. I should have placed them on top of the chest of drawers. They should be exposed, bare for everyone to see, not just for me. But no one appreciates dead flowers, the gesture is seen as disrespectful. I like them, though. They understand me. They are experiencing what I have experienced. The outside becomes grim and the inside slowly decays. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here. I was a leap away from drowning in the river. I was a hug away from touching the sky. Thank you for being clingy.
“And daddy don’t like you, but daddy and I never speak…”
He didn’t like you, let’s be honest. You didn’t like him either. He resembled everything you hate and you never failed to express yourself. You were good with your words, if you read this there would be red ink all over the page, maybe that’s why he didn’t like you. You felt the need to correct people. You weren’t perfect. You felt that everyone needed to be perfect even if you weren’t. “The world should be left in the hands of perfect people, that’s why we need to go.” I laughed and I think we were the only two that understood that joke. You hate what he did to my mother and I because you experienced it too. Not with my dad, though. Although he hit her when he was drunk, I was born a coward and couldn’t defend her. That’s why I’m here. I chose this courageous girl and I’m a ****** coward. That’s why I’m here, because opposites attract. That’s why I’m here because I’m a quitter.
“Every night when I wake up // I need you to get back to sleep…”
At night, I would attempt it. I would think about it and reflect. That didn’t seem possible when you were around because you felt the need to protect me. You were as wrecked as I, if not more, yet you needed to make sure I didn’t leave. You needed me to be there because I made you feel sane, even if it were for a few minutes. If you had done as I asked, stayed asleep when I awoke, you would be here today. You would ******* be here. It’s my fault for choosing someone so damaged and aware. You would ******* be here.
“Smells like roses to me // two young lovers at sea // tastes so bitter so sweet // you’re my bang // together we’ll go // bang, bang, bang…”
Of course it smelt like roses. You loved the sappy love it represented. Yes, we were lovers. We were lovers, because I understood you, and you me and I ******* loved you. The sea would become our home. We would cover ourselves in sand to see how long we could last underneath. How long we could ******* breathe. And if the sea wasn’t our oyster, well, we would go bang, bang. Neither of us could jump in front of the gun, because neither of us wanted to be saved.
