Make up in mirrors
We paint ourselves up
I watch movies that express sexuality, femininity
Closing my eyes around midnight
Avoiding walking into the cold alone.

I think you must have really wanted to see me last night
Though you would never admit it
Your mind battling dragons, words, magic
Laying in the fort we built over our heads
With blankets, natural light
Hitting our faces and lips
Catherine slaughters all of her male partners
Seducing them into oblivion,
Basic Instinct.

We don't text today
But you called me last night, liquor on your breath
You wanted to know how it all went
Your little boy voice filled with wonder, love
As my sweet bitter nickname echoes over the phone
I couldn't play pretend, or remember how
My bed once sat on the opposite side of the room
As I found comfort in you
States and miles away
Over the cell phone
But you hate that Drake song.

But we were good, we were solid
We were a better us over technological devices
Sometimes I search for the words I want to
Articulate so badly, in deep or important moments
But I can't quite pronounce or think of the language
Quite quickly enough.

I turned on my old computer today
And stumbled across my love life this time last year
You, The Professor
Were just about to leave the city
Discover a foreign land
Bags arriving so shiny and new, full of
Perhaps promises on that Valentines Day
As a girlfriend envied me, we drank wine
I thought for a blissful moment
That I was so lucky.

My room mate told me today that I am
Definitely a "hopeless romantic"
Certainly cannot deny it
Watching back footage, dark hair, smitten eyes
Folders full of poems of the past
There has gotta be a day my poetry is less tortured, sad
Over men.
Men.

Man.
So much weight and effort put into them
All my life I thought a wedding veil was so significant
Repeatedly sweeping down the line
Of fantasies that just don't quite pan out
It makes me wonder if that will ever be a real
Attainable thing for me?
Or should I too,
Just slaughter all my lovers
In bed?

I fed my actors too much whiskey
I wish I had more money
I wish I had less and more free time
I wish for the day for me to let you go
To be right now
I wish I didn't romanticize and focus
On what simply cannot be
I wish
I know I've got inner homework
As I take in the icy breeze
Lonely snowflakes
Art that makes people say meaningful things
As they look right in my eyes
Making me pout with joy
"He's out there"
A band of sirens swim and sing to me
I stopped
I stop
Looking.