Jan 2016
my friends scoffed at me when i complained about how my weight never gained
it seemed ever-changing
I wasn't trying to brag that i was the skinniest in the room
i was just saying
that I didn't know what it meant because the day before my weight was at a 104 and now it's at a 94 and is that even possible
i stopped eating 1-2 meals a day
and we claimed it on my small stomach but i couldn't figure out how my friends knew that my stomach was small
because i sure didn't
when i said that i hadn't breakfast or lunch yet what i meant was i haven't gotten help yet
people thought they knew how to fix me and so they glued me to my seat and forced me to eat three spoons of potato salad and i shamed myself for a week
I told myself i was weak
i later found out my eating was no longer a choice
or rather, my lack of eating,
because some days i just gave up and took a brownie because I wanted to so badly or maybe I took seven and later that night, things weren't alright because I couldn't go one hour without hiding in the bathroom
because i physically could not, no matter how hard i tried, the dragon named food, was untamable, it would not stay down in the deep cavern of my stomach and my throat began to burn from its fire, every hour when i was woken up from sleep
the dragon suddenly wasn't my only fear
because I really wanted to make those cookies with you or go to the grocery store without having a panic attack
the vending machine became my venting machine
people surround me with the food i can't eat and although I can't eat ribs
i can certainly see my ribs
and my wrist bones
and my hip bones, they feel like glass shards at war with my skin
and my vertebrae and i get it that people are skinnier than me but that doesn't make it okay because i feel like i'm a living x ray
maybe the next day I can eat all three meals because i haven't for four days
and yes sometimes I do feel fat and no i'm not going to finish that
and i cried when my parents said I couldn't have a donut and when my new doctor said i should do a healthier diet she said i should try it and I wanted to so badly but if you look closely in the word diet there's also the word die and it's hard to go on a diet when your whole life is already a plan of when I can
can i eat
but my only constant friend understands and sometimes i'm so scared and I have to hold his hands or rather his handles his name is bucket and he lives at the foot of my bed
and this is a poem is telling you it's not my choice
my food isn't the only thing i can't keep down its also my voice
please stop assuming that the skinny girl wants to be skinny or that she just "forgot" to have her dinner because she must have a terrible memory if she does it every night
it's a really hard fight
but lately things have been going alright
the dragon seems a little less fiery
and i guess it can inspire me
to tell you that just being thin isn't an automatic win
it seemed ever-changing
I wasn't trying to brag that i was the skinniest in the room
i was just saying
that I didn't know what it meant because the day before my weight was at a 104 and now it's at a 94 and is that even possible
i stopped eating 1-2 meals a day
and we claimed it on my small stomach but i couldn't figure out how my friends knew that my stomach was small
because i sure didn't
when i said that i hadn't breakfast or lunch yet what i meant was i haven't gotten help yet
people thought they knew how to fix me and so they glued me to my seat and forced me to eat three spoons of potato salad and i shamed myself for a week
I told myself i was weak
i later found out my eating was no longer a choice
or rather, my lack of eating,
because some days i just gave up and took a brownie because I wanted to so badly or maybe I took seven and later that night, things weren't alright because I couldn't go one hour without hiding in the bathroom
because i physically could not, no matter how hard i tried, the dragon named food, was untamable, it would not stay down in the deep cavern of my stomach and my throat began to burn from its fire, every hour when i was woken up from sleep
the dragon suddenly wasn't my only fear
because I really wanted to make those cookies with you or go to the grocery store without having a panic attack
the vending machine became my venting machine
people surround me with the food i can't eat and although I can't eat ribs
i can certainly see my ribs
and my wrist bones
and my hip bones, they feel like glass shards at war with my skin
and my vertebrae and i get it that people are skinnier than me but that doesn't make it okay because i feel like i'm a living x ray
maybe the next day I can eat all three meals because i haven't for four days
and yes sometimes I do feel fat and no i'm not going to finish that
and i cried when my parents said I couldn't have a donut and when my new doctor said i should do a healthier diet she said i should try it and I wanted to so badly but if you look closely in the word diet there's also the word die and it's hard to go on a diet when your whole life is already a plan of when I can
can i eat
but my only constant friend understands and sometimes i'm so scared and I have to hold his hands or rather his handles his name is bucket and he lives at the foot of my bed
and this is a poem is telling you it's not my choice
my food isn't the only thing i can't keep down its also my voice
please stop assuming that the skinny girl wants to be skinny or that she just "forgot" to have her dinner because she must have a terrible memory if she does it every night
it's a really hard fight
but lately things have been going alright
the dragon seems a little less fiery
and i guess it can inspire me
to tell you that just being thin isn't an automatic win
