i can't rip myself to shreds
and then wonder why you look at me
like some sort of miasma
of pity and misfortune
that your sun couldn't melt
and congeal into something
recognizable
something human
i wonder if you see just a beast
an animal whose only chance
at survival is
fight or flight

i see white and
your face burns away
bubbling in the heat
of my nuclear explosions

i bury land mines in my own backyard
and play games
leisurely strolls
blindfolds
and a racing heart
exploding from the center of my being
praying to ignite that
chain reaction

you tell me not to be stupid
not to do anything stupid
but stupid is a relative planet
orbiting myself
and eclipsing truth that
to the rest of the human race
is divine prophecy
and absolute reality

i'm alone even in your presence
because i'm not there
and can't you see it written
like neon braille across my face
and branded with a white-hot poker
into the blue green of my iris
why do i need to live when
this life is just as
construed as a dream
and as tangible as a nightmare

i'm lost

and i can't find your hand
as i ***** in the darkness
to lead me back to life
and sanity
but you aren't looking for me
because i'm standing right next to you
even though i'm gone.