Is there that much of a edit , drop out, dead zone that the most important things expressed in as much in as several weeks and done so in thoughtful conclusion, seems to have gone unheard while seated or standing , moving in the same places of my home that I am heard when I rant to gather the parts and pieces and turn the churn to rid the plotted roles cast for sorrows and fill them with the rounded wheel and the circle to end back on myself where I find mine own lashings as sharp yet the truth far more palatable than the build up to the shift, change, the turn on myself and explanation of my learned lessons so as to walk one through a creepy Halloween type thing that , oh, lets admit it, I work hard at what. explaining my foolish thoughts?, or at saying what you already know, and probably find rather rehashed over and over.
Truth is, I wish I could dive into the colors of my mind and yours but, seems I am some how, allowing others wishes to dictate the outcome as I wait for them and watch the anger build , threats meander, and think I actually had a moving way of looking at it that might help someone other than my own silly ***.
Sorry. I suppose, it was a drop out time, funny, how editing seems to be a heavy instrument in this, unless I am wrong, well, not like I have ever heard or seen my own foolish self anywhere , which causes its own interesting concerns to self. ugh, lol, at least I am in a good mood and btw I may be weird, but if you are a good person, never take anything I say as directed at you, please, , for it is not, I need your stable and steady self to help me get through this whole thing, cause truth is I am alone even while being surrounded by people, and soon it will all make sense, I hope, . I truly hope so, and if not, then, well, then we are all susceptible to the events that have cast us into a relationship , one That I have come to except and even miss and despise, and even dislike letting you down, and that may seem strange, but only seems natural considering. And yes I have no issue nor need to make you happy, I just have a need to help some thing in this even if its a, do not do this, cause I am a fool, sort of help. and , well. this is sad and pathetic, and yes there are times I wish I could read or hear what I have said, cause I truly need to go over it cause I am trying to learn and remember as well as the fact, I do listen to myself and that is 90% of how I have problem solved my entire life, so, yeah, I am that pathetic, but it has really done me good. and that is all I need to worry about in that regard. but, I do give  a serious ****. and hope, that I am not so edited, because, I do cover and preface more than most might think, and well, it would be a shame if all that were cut out, cause I need it most. and it is truly very sad, sick and messed up, what has happened to myself and my wife and family even separately, and this is really not fun, and I wait politely for her to make a few more head way moments and try to keep my head on straight, while thinking I have ran out of ever being able to discern friend foe, good bad, other than the Lord helping my alone and foolish ***. if not for God it would be far worse than we could ever imagine.

But who am I kidding? it all wont matter in a thousand years, but to me it matters in a million as it does now.


Guns N' Roses - Patience lyrics
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMmX9G8JP38


tired causes us to find comfort in our failures and our alone, sometimes so muh we secretly hope ,,, well, it is a far more true hope I have that those whom say love, and share the air i breath find as much effort as i feel,,, feel that i have put forth, however, i as all people find myself in grandiose proportions and fail to realize, that though a pat on the back is not needed, just the thought that it isnt so one sided in all of life, is that little lie i find myself leaning toward, more and more each day, why? because i am as weak as you and truthfully, far weaker than you may have ever thought, and if it wernt for my disproportionate out of balance sense of right and wrong, duty and being a good person, i would probably, ,,, i will always see failure where ever i find my name or efforts, this is just a fact, and none to be freaking out about, just a deep, pulling sad that we all have inside when we actually consider the real cost and efforts we muster up, and , well, i realize, i am not the best at anything, and apparently that was the point so others with less self worth can see that even this fool some how made it to this point by the grace of a higher power in its love, but, yeah, ridicule and well, embarrassment as well, as mockery for withstanding my own fake *** , even if my fake is due to the real horrors one runs from, well, i tell myself that, so i dont have to face the fact that i forgot yet again and feel asleep and failed to help the last people i tried to help, in fact ****** myself even worse it seems. even though it is so ******* insidious you will be hard pressed, finding a outcome that even the pin ultimate uber hero, becomes the fool and tossed in the trash as i seemed to have though myself far too offten, only to ego up and walk all about like i was fine and free, totally oblivious. and the stain of realizing my girls have been harmed and i could not ,,,, yeah. like i said. hard pressed to find a hero, that could withstand the fracturing and games. but i tried, more than once, more than this time, and at least this time, people seem to actually acknowledge that there is something strange and it is not only my crazy ***. but then again. i have done this more than i care to say, hell, you may have an idea beyond what i allow myself to except, for the pain and um, can be far too much to digest a millennia all at once. lol, no i am not sad, facts and truth do not make me sad, they liberate, but not dancing a jig, for many reasons, though **** it. I want to soon, and care not, i just hope tangible effort is also found in measure on both sides of this thing for mine, and my wife can say i measured well in effort, but i just feel like my efforts dont match my ,, her,,, any of,, well, maybe i have too high expectations of others and a low self image while tired is just seeping in. but We all have eyes that see and ears that hear, and i hope in the end that i and she can say, late start but not of the heart of the matter and the labors efforts hold measure. ,, i am a hopeless one aren't i? well, that is part of the point. you would hope and pray i do it for you if you were in her shoes and long gone and written off and used by so many , right, and if i failed to give such, it would devastate you, as it would me. cause I was long gone and far worse, but you reached out to me, to help. so, well, um, thank you, for your patience and understanding my confusions and blind voids as i tried to make sense of all that is not ever going to make sense.