today was really soaked with grief and sadness. whatever I do only reminds me of you or makes me realize how dead inside I am. I often find myself curled up on the shower floor as I let the rain hit my back and I pretend that I'm a little kid again, playing in the rain, when things were happy, and I didn't let the rain get me down, because rainbows always come after rainstorms. but I'm not little and happy anymore and not every rainstorm promises a ******* rainbow and you're gone now. we used to look for rainbows together but you're gone. you're ******* gone so what's the point of looking anymore, because the rainbows died with you guys and so did my ******* happiness and spirit. the only thing that's alive is my body and it won't be long before it shuts down from trying every anti depressants in the book and slicing my skin open to change the pain. sometimes I don't even know why I pick up the blade and give in the urge but I guess I just have too. these days are often, and we wish to call them the worst but every worst day we have will grow smaller in smaller in time and soon you'll find something else to be you're worst day. one thing I've learned in life is you're going to be thrown a lot of bad days but we just have to hang on.