I've been avoiding pavement.
My car key is beginning to rust.
I drank a *** of coffee at 6 o'clock
this morning but by 9,
I was sleeping again.
I've been dragging my
dusty limbs across
these wooden floors,
swallowing fistfuls of
pure white and murky ivory pills
for breakfast,
and throwing half of them up
in the shower
less than an hour later.

I just called to say,
"I can't tell if I'm alive today"

Radio silence

Everything is muted,

grey, and still

And I won't stop pretending
that I'm doing better
until I have no one left
to pretend for

cause that's who I am

from the blood and the mud

that shapes me,

I am a plastic surgeon
every ******* morning

And a brain surgeon
every ******* night

Give me a scalpel and
a bright light

I will cut a smile
across my tired face,
Chipped teeth,
Crimson lips,

I will lobotomize myself
just to forget this

It is seething hot
as it boils up my throat,

Solidified in my mouth
it feels like broken glass

It tastes like
salt water spit
and warm blood,

Once I start to say it
I can't swallow it again,
*"I have never lived a single day
I have never lived a single day
I have never lived a sin
I have never lived
I have never"