I'm getting to the point where "lost" isn't even close to enough to explain where I am mentally. I know what I need and from now on I have to listen to my head over my heart. More often then not I find myself pacing and I remember how much my ex-fiancées mom hated when I paced or how much it stresses me out. I need to escape. I need an escape from my head and writing seems like it's going to stab me in the hand. My random bursting into tears are happening more often. No one seems to care. Who am I ******* kidding. No one knows. Anyone I feel like I can tell, I can't.  I wish I could stay in my small town. Lead my feet with my chest and walk casually through life. But leading with my head is speeding **** up so ******* much. I had my first really bad panic attack in almost a year at the airport on my way home. I'm not okay because nothing stays the same. My head is an abusive dog owner and my heart is a puppy that can't keep up on the walk. I can't breathe. I'm freaking out again. I'm ignorant and naive.