I have this feeling that something is not right
it is as if something bad is about to happen
I try to ignore this feeling as much as I can
but sometimes it is impossible to ignore
I have so much on my mind
going for walks used to help but lately
I just want to throw up everything inside of me
Sleeping is supposed to drown out everything
you are supposed to get peace when you sleep
Except for me
I get nothing but nightmares
I wake up so much through out the night I might as well not go to sleep at all
I get so depressed that I forget where I am sometimes
I never have days where I am just happy
I always end up feeling depressed about something
I feel so alone too
I have friends yet I feel like I am walking alone all of the time
I am even thinking about cutting again
Cutting does not get me anywhere though
It takes me to a painful state of mind where my emotions are out of control
I cannot function unless I feel physical pain
When I cut I am in control with my emotional pain
I like having that control
I have fewer breakdowns with that control
School is easier to deal with when I have that control
My life itself is a nightmare
I have no choice but to live with what I have
To not live with my disorder would be to commit suicide and suicide is too easy
One cut, one bullet, one leap off of a really tall building could end it all for good
Life is a challenge for me
It is a challenge I choose to beat
This bad feeling I have may just be a warning
It is a warning telling me I am about to lose it
If I do not take a step back and breathe
I might do something really stupid
I have come too far to be stupid
I need to stop
rewind
breathe
shift my focus to something that will take my mind off of this bad feeling
if I don't this could all end very badly