god i ******* miss it

i miss the hole in your jeans on your right thigh that always had your hair sticking out as if beneath the surface was some kind of animal

i miss the smell of cigarettes and the way you smoked like it was going out of fashion and the smell of your fancy cologne on nights when i was constantly close enough to taste every single cell in your body over and over again

i miss the way you would look at me with your eyes, a way that was filled with first desire, then hunger, then greed, and finally, love

i miss the unsaid things, the way you would call me beautiful because love is too hard of a word for you but you were okay with taking baby steps to slowly let down a guard that had been built since the day we started talking - the day she broke your heart the first time

i miss you, i miss the way my powder would stay on your black shirt after i hugged you so hard for so long that i was convinced i would break you, i miss the way you would grab my hand first slowly then more abrupt until finally you let the fear go and my timidness flee, i miss the way my cheeks would burn red hot when i saw you because i was shy, and i miss the way you would put your finger on the lighter and light that white candle you had because in a room full of sin we had to light innocence