I've always struggled with writing about God because lately I feel like my relationship with Him is almost nonexistent

I grew up like any normal Catholic kid. I was baptized, received reconciliation and first communion but never really felt His presence

In middle school the only thing reminding me that there even was a God was the fact that I went to church once a week and one of my classes had to be religion

8th grade my faith somehow became restored. I started believing for the first time ever that maybe I was worthy of being one of God's creations

High school came and I was in a sea of public school kids who would look at you funny if you said "God bless you" after someone sneezed. I no longer felt His presence.

My 10 months in AmeriCorps was this incredible journey. The amount of love and compassion was undeniable and yet I really didn't ever think about God. When times were hard I didn't turn to Him. When I was overwhelmed with happiness I didn't stop to thank Him.

I want to believe
I want there to be something more
Something bigger than this universe and the reason why I feel small
Everything doesn't really make sense to me
And the more I try to figure it out the more lost I get
Because when everything was crumbling around me, I didn't feel some all loving power
I felt the emptiness of my heart and the pounding in the back of my head
And I don't know if God is real or not
This is first time admitting that
I always had this fear that if I stopped believing God would reveal Himself and strike me down
But I am here
I am alive
And that has to mean something