it's wondering if your roommate wonders about the scale you keep tucked under the bed
it's going to sleep at 7pm so you can skip dinner
truthfully, romanticizing emptiness can only get you so far
and there will be nights spent frantically distracting yourself from hunger pains,
hiding under the covers and blaring music
so you stop thinking about words like pasta and ice cream and disappointment.
slowly, you notice that all of your friendships are slipping through the cracks
and you want to save them, you want to so bad,
but whenever one of them says, i miss you, let’s grab lunch
you panic and fake an illness or a family obligation
with your heart pounding, head swimming,
because there is nothing else to do.
it’s constant voices in your head: one begging you to eat,
one begging you don't you dare, don't you dare
and it's seeing food in numbers:
bagel (320), pizza (285), cookie (115).
it’s having a boy you love come home from vacation
and starving yourself for days so you can hear those magic words,
“you look thinner.”
you think about telling him about this, about you,
but you know what it would mean.
despite that, in the back of your mind, there is always a desperate, seeking question:
*would he care, would he care, would he care?