i take my clothes off. stare at my pale, limp body mocking me in the toothpaste stained mirror. 'your'e okay' 'you're okay' 'you're okay'. my pallid hands turn the shower *** all the way to the left, step back, trace all of the freckles on my body, all four or five of them. i pretend they're melting off like ice-pops. i bring my sticky fingertips to my thighs and i feel the goosebumps rise. i try to smile back at the solemn face staring back at me in the mirror but it feels awkward and achy so i retreat back to a straight mouthed frown that almost screams with bitterness. i have laugh lines that won't ever fade and i don't know whether to revel in this or feel sick because my own body is mocking me.

the steam of the mirror fades my face away and i feel myself dripping. when i was younger, i used to write my crushes names in the fog, but today i wince at the thought of your name surrounding me. i put a towel over my pale body to try to shake you off.

this is the way i die

slowly, shivering, *****.

God's hands will reach down to me, hold me in his arms and rock me gently. i hope i feel something.

i lift my heavy feet into the shower. take a deep breath. i think of drowning every time i catch sight of any sort of water. whenever i see fire, i think of the agony of my charring body shriveling up. death is killing me. when i was younger, my parents told me to be careful of getting my toes stuck in the drain because if so, the firemen will have to  come cut my foot off and see me naked. i shake my head, thinking of the days when grown men seeing me naked was second to getting my foot cut off. i stay clear of the drain anyways. old habits die hard.

i stand under the burning water for too long. my skin begins to redden like a scab that hasn't fully healed yet. i lather enough soap for a month on my body. i scrub deep. i want you to stop finding your way into my wounds and calling the place where skin meets bone, home. i stare at the water draining and remember when home was nothing less then four walls and hugs goodnight. thinking of you spinning down the drain screeching apologies but the voices in my head are much too loud these days.

for a split second, i want you to feel the fear i feel on a daily basis. i want you to stand clear of drains, i want you to feel like a jittery mess before stepping into the shower when you see the water. but i stop. my compassion consumes me once again. i think of you belly laughing in a field of flowers with the love of your life. my mind wanders to your groggy mouth yawning as you wake up.

i step out of the shower and wrap myself in a towel, let my hair down and i drop to the floor. i don't want to think of you anymore. my body feels weak. loving you has been taxing, grueling, tiresome, painful...loving you has been wonderful.

i get up. get dressed.
this is the way i let you go.