The heartbeats dead,
It's long and gone
and yet I run my
fingers over my flattened stomach.

There used to be a beat
that I didn't feel before
but I feel lost without it now.

I lost you and I lost it
and I just want to stop
losing people.

I wonder if it would
have been a boy or a girl.

I can imagine a little girl
in my arms, with dark brown
hair and chocolate brown eyes.

Hopefully she would've gotten
your hair and smile.

Or a boy, squirming in my
arms and giggling with glee.

I know it's for the best that
I lost it.

I mean imagine us being parents.
It would've been hell, you couldn't
even handle a relationship,
how would you have handled a baby?
A family?

So it was good that I lost it
and just maybe it was good
that I lost you.

All you have ever done was hurt me.

Or maybe it wasn't, because
without you I feel ruined.

I still haven't told you,
for the sheer fact of what do
I say?

We haven't talked in awhile
and if it was brought up now
you may just think I'm saying it
to get you close to me.

When in fact, you sicken me,
with you perfect laugh and
perfect smile.

With your personality,
it would've been a heart breaker.

You deserve to know,
but if I tell you it's real.
All of this will be real.

All of it is real, my life with
you will be gone and I may have
lost the only child we may ever know.

Our child is gone, because
I wasn't strong enough to
carry it.

Just like i wasn't strong enough
to lose you.

I run my hand over my flattened
stomach. Again I feel nothing
no heart beat.

I don't want to tell you because
if you looked at me with pity,
I think I would die.

I don't need your pity.
All you ever did was lie
and it's because of you that
we lost it, if you had been
more careful, there would've
never been an it in the first place.

I brought this on myself
loving you was a mistake,
just like believing you loved me
was a mistake too.

You were never mine in the
first place, just like it was never
mine.

I place my hand over my flattened
stomach waiting for a beat that will
never come.

"It's dead," I whisper not looking at you.
"There's nothing there." I look at my
feet and revel in the silence.

I didn't know what it was and yet it
was apart of us, of you and me and
if you don't care fine. At least I told
at least I tried.

The heartbeats dead, it's long and gone
and yet I run my fingers over my
flattened stomach, hoping you'll
envelope me in a hug and help me
forget for just a second.