11:32 pm July 4th
I love fireworks.
I feel like a kid on July 4th,
but someone in the crowd was wearing the same cologne you wore, and all of a sudden I could't look at the fireworks anymore.
Instead I was looking for you
wondering if we were looking at the same thing?
I started thinking about "what if's" and "i wish"
I wish I was under the fireworks with you.
What if I hadn't fucked it up?
Would I be under the fireworks with you?
I called you.
We haven't spoken in months, but I had to try
and I practiced what I was gonna say over and over on the way home, if by chance you picked up.
You're all I could think about- Again.
Even though I knew you wouldn't answer, I called.
I tried so hard to be independant.
I tried so hard to not need you.
I tried so hard to be okay without you.
I tried so unbelievably hard not to think about you when I'd rather be asleep
I was good at it for a few months.
I told myself I was okay because "I am my own"
I spent so much time running form that, being afraid to give in and belong to you
But now I know
Its become clear now that I always have and always will.
and I've lost you
you said we have no future together
I couldn't see where I was going anymore, I'd never pictured my future without you ever before, but apparently you had already decided there was no future to envision.
Keep me in your mind as the girl who was so afraid of your love that it destroyed her; forced her to re-create herself with new knowledge of what was hidden from her while she was in the dark.
if nothing at all.
Because I know now
and I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
Now every july 4th will mark the day I became a cliche
Because I realized too late how good I had it.
I love you