head bowed and knitted brows
I can’t lift my eyes off of the ground
what was it you said the last time,
about “chin up, God’s face is there in the clouds
look for the silver lining, it’s in every cloud”

I’m sorry I can’t do it

named my fear Abel and my wrath, Cain
named my pride Jordan and my lust, Jezebel
“don’t name them,” I was cautioned, “you’ll get attached to them”
I don’t think I will see you again
I am an avid sinner
and you, a man after God’s heart
I would say congratulations on making it to heaven
but I’d much prefer it if you were here

my account:
I think I heard Him calling as I fell through the cracks
but whether it was Him or my imagination,
I couldn’t be sure
in times of despair we often hallucinate of hope
thought I saw a hand reaching
but was it dragging me or lifting?

your account:
I remember watching as she fell through the cracks
and He called her name softly,
coaxing her gently back home
I saw His hand reaching,
swiftly breaking her fall
but she thought it was attacking
and so she fled

I wonder what it’s like to show up at the pearly gates
hopeful heart and bated breath
or downcast eyes and wringing of hands
I’ll come before the pearly gates only to be turned away
as Saint Peter flips through the Book of Life and shakes his head
sighing at the sad vacancy where my name used to be
my dear, I don’t think I will see you again
please tell God I thank Him for calling my name
and extending a hand to break my fall

tell Him I’m sorry I ****** away

Abel and Jordan, they are my friends
Jezebel and Cain, my partners-in-crime
the bond was forged as soon as I named them
and I found myself growing to fall back on them
they lived with me here on tangible earth
while it felt to me like God lived only in the clouds
needless to say, I grew closer to sin than salvation
what can I say, they are what is familiar

you told me there’s a silver lining to every cloud
I didn’t tell you
when once in my rage I ripped it to shreds, discovered:
the silver lining in my cloud
was a sliver of tin foil and nothing more