You want to know why I don't trust people?
People lie.
People use your passions to discover your weaknesses and when your not looking they take those weaknesses, build a knife with them then stab you repeatedly in the back.

You want to know why I don't trust men?
Men break things.
Men say all the right things to get into your heart and once you say "I love you" they rip you apart until you no longer recognize yourself then toss you away like garbage.

You want to know why I prefer to be alone?
Socializing brings problems.
Socializing leads to friendships,
friendships leads to trust,
trust leads to memories you capture in pictures that eventually end up in boxes at the top of your closet because the ones you used to socialize with are now strung out on drugs.
They don't even remember your name.
They don't remember the late nights at the river crying because their boyfriend cheated on them with some *****.
They don't remember cake fights at birthday parties or the endless hours we sat playing with puppies in the park talking about our dreams.
Drugs don't allow you to remember that ****.

You want to know why I'm scared to have kids?
History.
History repeats itself.
My history isn't good. It's bad and it's not my fault.
I was a child going through things I didn't deserve because of choices my parents made.
My father was an alcoholic abusive ******* who didn't want me.
I look like my mom but I have my father's personality.
I don't want to bring a child into this world so I can drink and abuse them too. That's not fair to them.
I can change my name.
I can't change the blood that runs through my veins.

You want to know why I'm so guarded?
Fear of rejection.
Rejection is something I'm way too familiar with.
I know it so well I can give you a list of memories from throughout my life and rejection will always be a part of the story.
I was rejected at one day old by someone who was supposed to protect me from monsters in the closet.
I was rejected by family because of what I looked like.
I was rejected by peers in school because I wasn't good enough.
I was rejected by guys because I wasn't slutty enough,
I was rejected for having dreams,
I was rejected by church peers because I wasn't Christian enough.
Rejection brings heartache, embarrassment, shame, low self esteem and insecurities you wouldn't believe.
Eventually you get tired of rejection and you build a wall so big no one, not even God could get through if he tried.
You live your life in isolation and you would rather be alone than take the chance of being hurt again.

WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 5, 2015 Tuesday 10:38 P.M.