Bullying *****
It messes people up
I still remember the words that they would stab into my back.
I remember watching the flock of perfect swans weaving through the crowd praying that they wouldn't see me.
People can be brutal.
But people grow up and we learn how to deal with the daggers.
We learn how to deal with the rumors that infect our heads leaving traces of poison for years.
I also learned that believing them was easier.
Believing that I was the problem.
That I was nothing.
They were right
I was dumb.
I knew it was wrong, I know it is wrong.
I let myself get bullied
because I deserved it.
I went to school knowing that the bullying was going to happen, knowing I was going to lose.
I remember thinking
"Just bully me
I need it, I am not worth anything"
When I switched schools the bullying stopped.
Without being bullied, without being judged, without anxiety
I just wasn't me anymore.
I was still dumb, I was still the problem, I still needed to have something hurt me.
Since no one would do it for me, I guess I just started to do it to myself.
But what is scary about being your own bully, is that you can't run.
You can't escape your own head
And when you say
"Just bully me"
To yourself
You listen and its hard to stop