I forgot to fill my prescription.
How is it that I always forget something that makes such an impact on my life?
Without it, I am not myself.
or am I more myself?
Who is to say that depression and anxiety aren't characteristics as opposed to mental illness?
A chemical imbalance of the brain.
That's how the doctors describe it.
That's how we describe it,
To make ourselves feel less ashamed.
So I forgot to fill my prescription.
Sometimes I think I forget purposefully.
Is it possible to cautiously make a sub-consous choice?
Cause' I think I might.
I think I do it to make myself feel alive again.
Fuck being able to "function".
I don't see functioning as living.
I truly feel alive when I allow myself to indulge in the pain.
Treating the emotional agony as something that I shouldn't feel, only makes me feel more ashamed of it.
So instead I indulge.
I don't cry.
I don't cut.
I don't expose.
I indulge in my inner sadness.
It makes me feel like a rebel.
Indulging makes me feel more alive than the actual act of living.
And that terrifies me.
I terrify me.