The more therapy sessions I have, the more I realize that no matter what I do, there will always be some part of me that will always be this way. Even though I'll kick recovery ***, I'm not just going to hit a point where I'm completely free of what debilitated me for so long. That's not how recovery works. I learned this early on in my journey, and it was terrifying. I was scared to get better because I felt that I would lose a major part of me, of who I am. Even though they were awful parts of me, they were all I had for so many years that I couldn't imagine living without them. The idea of being someone that wasn't myself scared me.
You can have good days/weeks/months/years, but part of your old self is always going to come back. It's going to test you. Don't let it destroy you, but use it as an excuse to show yourself how much you've learned. It'll reinforce the strength you have over this. That's what recovery really is, it's learning to live with this **** and not letting it hold you back. In the end, you're always going to be the same person, just a better version. Start recovering, it feels good.