I
I spend a great deal of my life under influence.
If you came home with me
you would notice how my bedroom
permanently stinks
of ***** if you came out with me I would tell you
that I drink the way I do
because I know that the liver will heal itself
and the mind will not but in truth
it is because I know
that you cannot run from yourself;
but that you can hide
in a thick enough fog.

II
I often wonder
who I would have been
if I had not met you; if I would bleed less
and sleep more
and eat enough or if this is genetic -
if there is something written in my chromosomes
that will always keep my hands twitching
around knives and nooses.

III
I still get a head rush from tobacco,
even after all this time.

IV
I still get a head rush
when I see you,
even after all this time.

V
The day I became a shrine to you
I forgot what colour my mind was
beneath the tapestries;
I smell incense
everywhere I go and I do not
remember lighting it.
I did not agree
to these renovations I did not choose
the pieces
I just woke up like this one day,
glasses painted rosy.
Edges sanded down.

VI
I haven't finished a book
in the year
since we last spoke.

VII
I thought you were forever.
A reference on my CV.
A heart in the corner of my notebook.

VIII
I thought you were forever.
A clause in my marriage vows,
my daughter's middle name.

IX
I am afraid
that you will be forever.
A scab that I cannot stop picking.
A scar that I will
always
have to explain.

X
I am afraid
that I will open my mouth one day
and your voice will come out of it.