You were not my first
Nor my last
But you did the one thing no one else has done
You loved me fiercely and let me love you back
You loved me in a way I didn’t know was possible,
I grew up in a home filled with tight smiles and forced laughter

You showed me what made life magical
How being loved and loving could transform the world and make it a little less scary
You taught me to communicate emotions and how to cry
You let me love your parents and have them take me into their hearts
You showed me what a family could feel like

The days you skipped classes with me so we could lie in your bed and talk, cry and laugh, I felt your love surge through me the most
You never got angry that I would just get sad and refuse to eat even though I needed that more than your arms
I miss your arms

It has been 4 years since we broke up.
I have loved and lost some since then
But letting you go still haunts me
Your eyes, smile and hands still haunt me
The memory of boardgames with your brothers, baking with your mother and the sound of your dad playing the saxophone through the house still taunt me late at night.

I should not have let you go.
I should not have been so afraid of such an intense love.
But as you know affection frightens me
Your family’s love frightened me

So here I am simply reminiscing about the days when I had everything I wanted but couldn’t allow myself to keep it.
I still love you.