the phrase
'moving on'
doesn't quite put it,
when you're stuck on a boat
tucked into an empty shore.

despite the clear day,
my heart still looks for you
in the hot, painful, specks of sand
and in the softest waves of calm,
my heart still aches for you.

how can i move on,
when you never left?
you anchored me down
and yet the mention of you lifts me up,
in ways no wave could ever do.

what's the use
being jack of all trades
i'm mediocre at best
i'm too greedy
i'm afraid
having no focus
when everything feels like a test
i'm mediocre at best
i'm mediocre at best

who am i?
i don't know
sometimes i feel like i'm just
putting on a show

3:09am,
the seemingly mundane moments
had brought me closer to you,
and they remind me of how human i am
to be able to love someone this much,
to be able to immensely love you.

what happened?
why are we surprised that it all ended?
i liked you because you loved me,
and not the other way around.

i miss
the life i wished to live
the life i wished to live with you
is it weird
to miss the despondency
to miss what i was used to?
there was something
addictive
something good in that darkness,
a small ray of light
in you.

i told you i loved you
at least i got that out of my chest
but half of it was in the context you expected
and the other half i kept with me

i see you lurking in my dreams,
and when crossing the street
as a car speeds by,
i also picture you in my isolation,
neatly packaged in bottles,
sometimes there is no one else but you there,
as you are in my past
and in my present
and both fortunately yet unfortunately,
you lie in my future.
i think i want you,
but
no one ever truly does.