trying to avoid the rain on a sunny day
but there's a comfort in this tragedy.
my closet has a bag of ******* the size of a child's body.

You're still wearing all black and it's hard to see you in the dark:
I smash my face against the window to try and see you closer.

It's useless.
I know,
I know.

Our laughter is the closet we'll ever be
and we're both funny people
but panic consumes even in light.

If I can stay longer then what's the point in leaving?

The forest is frightening
because of all the birds
that live in the trees.


It's useless.
I don't want to,
I don't need to.

Stop calling me the real one.
I'm nothing but a pile of bones covered in slowly rotting skin,
some painted and some that's out of my reach.

Those birds are going to get me
and when they do,
I swear you'll find nothing but cotton and dirt.

You were just standing around
waiting for me to forget my own tricks.
It's not like I was in the best state of mind
to be remembering them anyway.
I was holding my hands and bending my knees.
Swaying from side to side.
Watching a broken television from 1999.
(Wishing something good was on).

I know **** is artifical
but I still like to repeate it when you call.
I'm comfortable enough to *** infront of you,
but I'll never tell you those kinds of secrets.

My face is numb with fat
and whenever I try to talk,
my jaw breaks.
I can smell your gum with my eyes,
and it's delicious.

I'm screaming about religion
and telling you I'm gay.

Nothing is accepted,

and insults are just words without real meaning.
Sincerety isn't in the tone,

it's in the meaning.

I want my ideas to stand out
but I hate reading in italics.

Things are changing
and old feelings are fading.
Dying quietly in the corner
so as not to make a scene.
It happens to everyone

if you know what I mean.



I forgot how to write,
I forgot how to think,
I'm surprised I'm alive,
I forgot how to breathe.

ink taped and glued
seeping through my bulges.
I'm just not going to eat for a week.

pages ripped and burning
smoke billowing in my lungs.
I'm just not going to sleep.

taking a break
from everything

trying to break
habits

these
bees
hide
in
hives,
in
piles,
of
honey.

from one queen to another:
it's okay if you **** me.

he touches me like I've got band-aids all over:
careful.
he begs me not to fall in love so that he can:
misunderstood.
he doesn't know any of my secrets
and he probably never will,
no matter how many times I say them:
he doesn't understand my language.

we can stare at each other for hours:
patience.
we can sleep whenever we want:
freedom.
we can spend all the time in the world together
and keep each other warm,
but we can't shower together
or get the same invitations.

I know, it's difficult without speech,
or proper thumbs, or proper legs,
or knees or thoughts or being stuck
with lemon drop kisses that make
you want to scream they hurt so good.

I'm going to stop apologizing when my
teeth get stuck in your lips, and I'm going
to start drinking more, but only from the left side,
and the next time I look down at what you're doing
I'll just let you keep doing it.

The yearning to dissolve
is sending subtle attempts at destruction of self.

Yes, I continue to struggle with the same subject.
Pulling at the edges of what I thought I wanted
so hard that I cause a rift in my desires, finding
that there's nothing I want or need in this life.

Simply fleeting are all the things that happen to me,
all the things I do to others, and whatever it is that
will be the end of us.

it's the end of me.
right here.
last night.
this morning.
one year ago
a love killed
everything I was.

an escape.
escape from me, I'm toxic
and I'm bleeding
and I'm going to drink that blood.

I made a promise not to hurt myself...

nothing more or less
I am what I am, but the more I feel,
the more I feel like I'm less.

wanting EVERYTHING all at once,
not caring this time, I'm going to scribble,
it's more beautiful than not being understood at all.

I'll scribble and let you think what you want
as I taunt myself with the truth of things so
painfully that I feel like it has to be a lie.

yet

here I am spilling my guts
my insides
my self
all by myself I am tortured with lovers
from all angles
some call me an angel
yet all I want is black
and the darkness within me is screaming
telling me I'm not doing what's right for my soul
yet all I want is black
and the darkness within me knows
telling me I'm doing my best for the ones that surround me.

I keep wanting to remove myself from this life I'm living.
too painful to look in the eye, I just stare at myself as if I am someone else.
knowing that I am who I am and that each time I meet someone
I am NEW, a creature they have never seen before and to them I am NEW
and FRESH and beautiful
and..
tortured? you?! ME? NO, they could not believe it.

I am a thinker, I am loved
I am special in their eyes
a gem or a diamond, a reflection of my insides is what I hide behind
perhaps never to find what it is that others see in me.

depression is something I can handle,
oddly enough it's something I can't schedule,
it's not something I can comprehend, it's simply something I live with.

I hold it in strange faces,
you know the ones that are so often played with,
fake smiles.
except you make me smile!
it's not fake,
it's just easy to dismiss the sadness when in your presence.

this!

I don't want to have to be around others for happiness.
I don't need to be.
I haven't learned how not to be as well as I'd like to have learned by now.
I ought to have learned by now.
I'm making progress.

I cannot afford to attach myself completely,
because as soon as I detach then there will
surely be not enough left to be complete alone.
Barely now, I can stand on two legs without
some sort of destructive quality in my heart.
Barely now, do I remember how to love.

Do I remember how to love?
or accept it?

I cannot accept it
unless I do not realize it.

I do not realize what or who I am
and I wish to find without search.

yes, I am thinking.
thinking too much?
if that's what you say then I agree.
not thinking enough?
I agree as well.

it's all about what you think about that determines
the amount of "too much" and "not enough".

don't give me grief because my focus is not yours.
don't give me attention.
I'm a child, crying out for attention.
if you give me what I want,
all I'll want is more.

fire fighting &
             I can't stop
                                laughing.
and can't stop tackling
and can't stop being    quite
******
and I can't stop being  quiet.

thrombotic
lobotomy
you are
on top
of me.
     and I'm losing my breath
and I'm holding my breath
and I'm going under
and I'm going to cry
and now it's all over
and I wonder
                       if I ever really had it in the first place.
right before then, I knee you in the face.
he just doesn't listen
cause she can't think
can't speakkkkkk
it's a double lip kiss to the sky,
marveling at the light
                          darkness
                           brings
I'm spreading my wings.
in steps to your house
in steps to your heart
in jumping in pumping
in moving behind.
I'm calling you mine.
I'm rolling over your body,
I can hear you breathing'
I mistook your calm for dreaming
but when I called your name you weren't sleeping
you opened your eyes
                     and you said
"you're a beautiful heathen."
I still am.
I am infinity
standing up straight.
by all means believe what you want to believe
I think you might be in love with me.
sometime's I eat flour, it feels good in my throat
dry like a pastry, it's a coat throat choke, sometime's sweet
but that's just me.
don't know how                I feel
sometime's don't know
                                                     how to feel
                                           at all.

I'm king today, but every other day I'm
Not The King.
On the days that I feel dead,
I'm God
with your face on my face.

you're love sick
I'm sick of love
forget about it
write home
tell me later.

fantasies of self harm
the thoughts I usually lure away
began to fester inside my brain
reliving pain in spirals
imagination running wild

demons whisper
with poison lips
begging me for just one kiss
giving me reasons
reading the list
of all the moments I might miss

the voices came in screams today
knocking and raging
my cage might break

I tried to calm myself today
let the demons have their say
then move on in my own way

I did this time
in five ways right
to this healing
I hold fast and tight

hour by hour
soaking in the time
no more numbing my reality
step by step
the adventure begins
my journey brings me delight

drifting
I am lifted
on my own
muscles aching
feels like
rubber bands
stretched too thin
snapped back too fast

sifting
I am buried
inside myself
mind aching
feels like
not enough sleep
with too much to drink
left to sink
thinking
about who I might have met

last night

subtle connections
second distractions
too soon and the moon
says goodbye
as do you

nothing left
save a name
something
one thing
I can keep

I'm saving the memory

I know.
I'm alive .
when I see.
your blue eyes.

and don't care.

"I don't want you to love anyone else but me,"
Lips scabbing at the idea of saying out loud:
I write it down.
beauty
           the way your legs bleed when you shave
           and how young you are
                                                   when it's time to say sorry.
Madison Gregory, I waited for you.
you told me your name like you meant it
you told me your name because I told you mine
Madison Gregory, you don't exist.
                                                      I'm afraid because I talk to you
because I think of you
                                    killing me with thunder
                                    killing me with touch
stop me from being tender
stop me from being myself
you're so dark, your head turned away
backwards                                              you whisper
                                                         ­       and stutter
repeating the name your mother gave you
repeating: "Jesus" (about everything) "Jesus"
                    "I'm sorry" (about everything) "I'm sorry"                        
you look perfect. don't      
                              say sorry (about anything).
as your mother: I forgot about you when you went to school
                              but I still made dinner when you got home.

performing advances
beneath my eyelids,
hoping you appear
when they open.

descriptions:

nervous butterflies
hiding in the pit
of a beautiful girl,
she's tired,
stayed up past midnight,
and she can't
go back to sleep.

"Good night"
(not until tomorrow morning)

whispers: "good morning" "good morning" "good morning"

time for toast, and showers, and directions home.

CRASHES, in the kitchen: the freeway.

because it's our house and we can do what we want to:
1. 2. 3. cups of coffee.

I write what I want to say to you:
feels boring.
feels exciting.
feels
         familiar.

Conversation boiling down to,
you,
(disappearing),
and
me
(passing out to loud noise
and bright lights).

your body is an arcade
tokens cost emotion
                      energy
                        time
sorry baby,
I can't afford to play your games

octopus legs
graze against
a wolf through the haze
passion's ablaze
howling to the moon
in the dimmest of
lights, bodies
stacked and
curving
laying together
in their dark
masses
two animals
intertwine,
intoxication closed
deep in their eyes.

fingers say more than mouths do
words no longer a language that
needs to be spoken.

committing to another work
that is more playful
than painful
and
the outcome
much more satisfying than a
paycheck.


a day when there is no sun
without the moon
because neither wants to
outshine the other.

complimenting each others
form, differences abound
in the sounds of their
creating, maintaining
a life force is more of
a course than a lecture,
writing turns to writhing
as the pens are dropped
to their feet, exposing
much more than
intellectual property woven
into each layer of the room
intermediate communication
is over
revealing all the answers in the
prose.
learning history is repeating
as summer leaves you overheating
the animals which are overflowing
the surface will soon become extinct.
we only have time for actions
there's no more need to re-think.

the change you seek
is much deeper
than what you tack
onto your bedroom walls.

you're not him,
no matter how
many times you
swear you see
your reflection
in his skin.

strings have been pulled:
slow motion conversation:
because all I want to do:
is let my bones:
fit perfectly with yours.

your words are the dirt on my skin

I want you to tell me how you feel until I cry.
I don't think it's fair
to make you describe how it feels to be human.

I can feel the disappointment seeping through your fingers.
I bet they're shaking, and I bet your head is too.

I know better not to expect anything,
but I do it anyway.

With bad news,
comes another shot of whiskey,
and new standards.

woooosh!!!
there goes
time...
wooosh!!!
so fast,
goes each moment!
each moment
is all we have,
but at least
each moment
is now.
thoughts
thoughts
thoughts
turn into action
each one combined
creating
now
today
is just
another
moment
to create
the path
you wish.

Our accumulative energy is making this happen:
The power of thought awakens emotion.
Move our hands, up and down,
glued together in a sadistic motion.
Pull on my teeth until I can't speak,
whisper in the language that makes me weak.

Use your mouth and open mine:
as hollow as the tv screen
you pull my hair until I scream.
Move and flow in my bed
Don't do something that you'll dread.
Turn to the direction of my door
I lay there naked on the floor.
Begging me with your sunken eyes,
the sun melts my skin and you leave me blind.

"modern art is precious"
                                              ...it's abstract.
I heard you say
and laughed at that
sit back and sat with the grieving.
it's easier to read it, I can't speak it.
been a gloomy pirate
singing, border-line screaming.
changing habits?
still repeating.

hatch-back stare
these feelings are fleeting.
still don't care
I've lost myself eating:
finding secrets but refuse to share.

I'm a hound dog daddy, still speaking with rhymes
I thought I gave up order,
but found lost in the deep between.

I'm half flamed bread,
I'm charcoal.
I'm burnt
and I'm fried.
I've given up my obstructions
and gone straight for falling behind.

We are all one
recycled energy
fluxing in and
                         out
               of existence.
We are but waves,
pulling each other
under, and bursting
into the light with
burning lungs,
flowing through the motions
of
daily life.

Sink or swim?

treat me like an Emergency Exit Only sign
good morning is a warning, you must be awake
standing on a rock at the library
we trick ourselves into good times
and
words
look
beautiful
when
they're
alone
         and
         so
         do
         people.
I'm    alone, but I don't feel beautiful
                           and I don't feel ugly,
happy to be alive. Ready to explode
around
you.
       Anxiously waiting, accepting
                                      rejection:
oddities, such as leaking,
                                 are unavoidable. and
you
will
try
to make faces and *** calls.
    I'm no longer on the end to
pick
up. I'm
           dropped off, not waiting:
                                moving forward.
smiling.

attention span crackling,
you're losing all your words.
can't remember what you said to me?
I feel like a tornado
and want to say hello through this storm.
talk to myself to find the answers.
there's no such answer in your eyes.
what do you see? something of a glare,
in my stare of such searching, cut my hair
give you my locks.
tell you I love you when it's too hard to breathe.
just want to get it over with.
something disintegrating into me.

I tried to write letters like I used to,
it seems that I've forgotten.
there's too much lost
that should be written.

keep me on the edge of the ledge,
lifting to the tips of my toes

shrinking mildly

just,
so
you
might
not see me
when
I
cry,
I guess we should just wait until the night
when you can't see a thing.

I don't want anything.

I'm happy with what I've got.

staying put in places where I have opportunities to better myself
finding that life is a bore and I am a prisoner to it
coming and going from place to place with pure intention to bring something to the table.

here we are folks, in the best **** place you could ever find yourself
with everything you've ever wanted and more.
let's get moving
time doesn't wait
it simply wastes.
so listen with an open mind while you're in the audience
'cause that's your job.
perform with gusto and passion,
you don't want to disappoint.

I am soaking my scars in lavender tonight
up past midnight working
everyone is drinking still
a few hours to ****
but my drinks have all been spilled
insides poured out
right side out
somewhat proud
not to be a drunk any more

a few times lately
I want to wake up
but then there I find myself
smoking a cigarette
drinking a cup of coffee

I start thinking about my dreams
but get stuck turning them into daydreams
again feeling filthy as I take another drag
long for another one
wish I didn't after I did
and still go back for more
throat sore from the quiet screaming
it's honestly become demeaning

before I reach for a hit
memories that don't fit
get stuck inside me until it's lit
then I'm stuck as I sit
hit after hit after hit
in my new home
the one I worked for (this time)
the one that's mine (this time)
the one that can't be taken away
as it ticks away, steady beating
not so broken, this time...

this time has got me pressing
moving quick with no hopes of slowing down
I can't stop growing now
this lavender has got me flowing now
showing me how wounds need healing
even after the burn stops hurting,
begins bubbling and starts scaring and peeling
I wrap myself up
tighter and tighter
until the voice within me is screaming
begging me to breathe

I am begging myself to breathe
crying and I heave, heave **!
take me to the Sea
let me plunge
let's get deep
down to the wreckage
where your eyes pop
and your eyes buldge
as the gold litters the ocean floor
mesmirizing how it
glitters and glimmers
you shimmer as I shiver at the sight
of these forgotten treasures
glowing out into the endless darkness
the light of a lifetime illuminates all I thought I left behind
things are not so difficult to look at in this new light
so I remain grateful for what remains of my pain
as the pain is only a phantom of which once broke me down
no longer anchored down by the haunting
of not feeling as though my heart was my own
I see the beauty within what's left
and I won't let it go to waste

so give me time
(this time)

my punctuation *****
like a... ***** does *****
and some times ducks
can learn magic tricks
as loud as big trucks
and as sloppy as doggy licks.

I dreamt I wrote a poem
instead, I woke to ***** dishes
homework, missing you, and
avoiding spliffs. I hold my coffee
tight, **** in my bloated belly,
and squeeze into jeans so I don't freeze

bukowski taught me to let go of feelings
except
to also feel as much as you can.
I, however, cannot help but do what I've been taught.

only to my demise.
I'm going to keep ******* up, but I'm too afraid to be alone.
I feel alone, but know certain decisions will leave me completely alone
..in the heart.
I know I don't make sense but I'm trying really hard to explain.

..earlier today, after crying, I went into the kitchen with intentions
of conversation about what's been eating me, there were tools of pain
which I placed upon my flesh,
I didn't break through it.
I wanted to bleed
but it wasn't worth it.

what does that say?

perhaps I'm growing
perhaps it's not enough

I'm not sure why, but my heart is a wrench
and although it's a tool, I can't seem to find how to use it.

balancing punches against my waist line
with creatures and cancers that got
close enough to figure me out.
fingers nestled and danced with a thin boys spine
they spooned honesty
through quick teeth with
impossible intentions.
never planning but learning lessons.
planting gardens around
a king on his throne
soft as sand
who gets thrown
off by the sweetness
that floods through his veins
when a tender lipped tulip
breaks and bends in front of his eyes.
wilting in water
and falling on pine, a look from a mother
and they're dead right on time.
grasping fortunes for reference
as to cause birthed through preference.
fouled by income, the souls follow in some
and the door is unlocked like in a waiting room
but no one ever dared to get up and walk out.

I thought I was going to die last night.
I was slowly moving without realizing:
I've never had it, or I had it too long;
but the idea of tripping into existence
takes too much time to learn how to forget.

I didn't know what would happen last night,
even after I realized
there was noise coming from inside of me.

but we all know this **** is irrelevent.

fearful seconds
overbursting
minute to minute
times grind
separating signs
weeks turn to months
turn to
dreams
again last night
awakening sight
as I closed my eyes
awake in my mind
unsure of what I'd find
while pleasantly surprised
blue waves and black holes
stars that've shown color
stripping away the white
but still glowing
reflecting forgiveness

The sound of your voice makes me feel so real,
to become deaf is my only fear.

I'm all alone,
but I'm in the mood to feel.

"You can't stop can you?"

I've been staring at a reflection of myself
that's been staring at you.

"Where do you come from?"

I don't know

"It's obvious you don't know where you're going."

i have no thoughts: i ate them.
i have good friends
they let me live in their cupboards.
i want to leave but i'm stuck
i'm sick of grief but i'm flattered
and although they drink me sweet
it don't matter
i still want to be filled with loves laughter
yet i can't get the one that i'm after
because he's running so fast i can't see
and he knows that i'm blind so he moves ten feet
back and deep
points out things in the distance
too beautiful for me.

he's gonna move
he's gonna leave
he's.. invisible to me.

i got so shy i had to leave,
keep myself from being shattered
by love this steep.

We're humans being humans,
together.
Inspiration from your kiss,
it's leaking from your lips.

Distant eye contact with a woman ******* on a lollipop,
staring at identical twins sharing an umbrella,
punch your legs until you fall asleep.

This life is losing its charm:
dying is the best idea you've ever had.

Ignoring your silence as I scream
you fade into nothing, you're my adolescent dream.

Burying a body to it's neck
you paint the face and
sprinkle dirt on the remains of the rotting life.

Darkness,
or something more?

fifty bricks to the head
cheese grater to the teeth
****** gums and cheeks
crossed arms and a pile of dried out pens
scalp scratched into nothing
a dry desire and an empty mouth full of empty words.

A suicide note scribbled in a composition book
it used to be your journal
but the pain of writing got old
and you needed the time to sleep.

Names dissolve from importance to nothing.

Reflecting from the shadows and burnt out veins
I still believe in those painted remains.

I guess I left because I needed to be depressed somewhere else,
I wanted the chance to forget everyone I knew so that I could find out what I wanted.
For a while I liked things, then I thought they were okay.
I got really into it for a while,
then when I stopped liking it:
I said it was interesting,
trying to avoid any real answer
(or commitment).

I got really sick of looking in the mirror,
but I couldn't get rid of it,
so I bleached my hair,
which was a waste of $13
because I cut it off the morning after.

I was really embarrassed when your friend came over,
he was cute,
you told me there were clothes in the trash bags he carried.
(apparently they were for me)

I decided to clean the kitchen for a few bucks
so that I could get a wig at the local thrift store.
(I figured he wouldn't want to date me if I was bald).
When I got to the thrift store it was closed
and there was a drunk man passed out by the front door.
I thought about waking him up, but I was too shy.

I ran home
because it was getting late
and I'm afraid of the dark.

The first thing when I got in the door
I went to get a glass of water,
the sink was full with all the dishes I just washed.
(apparently they weren't good enough)

I never realized that hot water could whistle,
or that it could hurt so much.
I washed through the pain.
When I got to the silverware
it reminded me of a conversation
that I had with some close friends.
One of them told me they put one between each finger
like a claw,
I tried to do it
but my impatience got the better of me.

Whilst I was searching through forests so lush
I came across a red wood, she soon became my crutch
I fell down in weakness, leaned beside her roots
she told me dark secrets, of the one beneath the lake
my heart was no match for her brilliant gaze
she watched me run down futures past
fleeing the scene, with a cave-dweller dream

it was magic
that I was after
it was magic
that was dark

the dragons wait restless in caves with my soul
they want me to drag the witches from their hole
temptation is frightening, I want to grasp it all
the power of darkness beckons me too deep
long nights before me, the monsters will wait

it was magic
they were after
it was magic
that was light

I found myself dreaming, dragon hearts in my hands
blood more black than night, blood all in my eyes
no more sight, no more thought, but I feel
a presence
what's this? I'm here.

The darkness calls, the darkness screams
the darkness keeps me in her arms.

I wake to a noise of a branch, breaking thin
it's wood, it's the tree, she's a blaze in her red
in my head, I try and hold her, in my hands
I'm a flame
I am free
such as a stream
I am tame
such as a whisper
I am free.

I can't sing serious.

ice cold as the stones
from the road in the winter, frozen cold.

bare feet on blacktops
make everything sad!
walking on ladder swings
make everything confusing!

dont know what to say, dont give a ****.

close your eyes
lose yourself in the jump
clip off your nails
and sew on some teeth
eating all the people
with knees and trees
and bees.

hot wax on fingertips
reminds me of your lips.

all of these shades of
black and white wake me up
in such a ****** mood.

want to get out
want to get in
want to move away
from here.

I am a master,
but I'm not the creator.
I'll spell it our for you
but I wont explain it.
I'll paint you a picture
but I wont show it to you.

I'll walk in your door
just to walk  out,
give you an adjective
and take away the verbs

fingers tight
lips loose
feet going for fast
I'll erase your face.

looking in the mirror
to meet a new person
over time my wounds
have begun to emerge
the healing soon shifts
from unachievable in my mind
to unraveling within my heart
today is made of all my choices
so here I let my feelings unfold
stretching within me is a release
bones popping
pain breaking
the sound of an apartment door slamming
I'm tuned back in to the sounds of music
bones popping
pain breaking
and I am through with the silence
radiating rather than retaining
I speak no more
yet I still make sound

there are too many pockets of air in between the fabric
of all my ***** clothes and
we can't leave our thoughts in
open spaces

like this

anymore.

it's like looking at his smile and seeing what he's trying to hide,
those things are much too personal to be slurred from one bathroom stall
to another,
you always forget about all the people who don't wash their hands until it happens right in front of you.

I keep comparing you to:
all the people from my past.
She keeps comparing you to:
all the people from your past.
I don't want to miss you:
like all of those people from her past.

She looks at you like a vacuum would
but she feels like blue skies and tastes
like creamer or hot chocolate, thick
as she is you notice how thin she is
and point it out, try and make her eat
some of what you have to say although
you really don't know what it is she
needs to hear.

"that's why they call it confusion, honey,"
I had never seen you turn to stone before,
topaz and diamonds, "but crystals have souls."
and you have no idea what I'm talking about.

Harolds rootbeer was warm but he was out of ice.
Josh said they never had any to begin with.

Harold searched the freezer desperately.
"I'm so ******* thirsty!"

Josh took out some popsicles and dropped them in Harold's glass.
"Problem solved!"

maybe I did
                      all the things
that I shouldn't
maybe I have
                        dreams
that send beams
of light c a  s  t i  n  g
            s h a d o w s


or was it my shadow casting me?

I don't think it was all a dream

consumption
play
consumption
sleep
in the moments between
I'm not sure if this is a dream or reality.
a greeting from someone I thought I'd lost
and my heart bounds forward.
you look different.

how could I forget such a face?
how could I lose it?

was mine too overlapping in anxiety to notice the kindness in yours?

time has given chances
I'm not sure how many of them were wasted in weakness.
decisions to move on, move out,
and then forward.

you and I came from the same side of the planet,

separately,

to destroy the rest.

at rest,
we dream of creatures
and tornadoes
come to teach us how to escape laws.

and

although we are mortal,
we can still be saved by telekinesis.

but

only because we use it in the right ways.

speaking what we hear because we listen,
our toes itch like ****** ****,
and we cry like thirsty babies,
******* the life from every cell of you prisoners.

thinking lately
"baby, bate me"
indigestion
if you grate me
no longer in the past
forget the late me
maybe you could
date me?

drama here in the mountains
breakdowns and bus stops
kids who feel entitled
parents cash in their jeans
screaming, obscenes
strange scenes
heart on my sleeve
people here say I'm too deep
as the truth creeps like snow melting
waterfalls breaking through
and I scream just as obscene
because the truth is much more difficult
and I didn't come here for an easy ride
or to build my pride
I quicken my stride
with thoughts of home
as I face the faces who scream,
"this is our mountain and we can do what we want with it!"
I disagree over quick paces
the coarseness of burnt toast
the smell of fresh brewed coffee
and I quicken my pace
quicken so I don't have to feel the weight of their egos
so that I can try and break away from my own
I feel so alone with myself
when did I forget I was here
that I'm all I need?

I miss the ones I love as I bleed
struggling to breed my own love
to move on and to move up
forgive the past and destroy the ruts

another day counting cigarette butts

I'm not sure if I'm
more sad
             or relieved
that you don't read
what I write
or that I
sometimes
keep you up
late at night
twisting and turning
               sweating body
             getting hot in your
sleep so hot that you
wake to another
smoldering morning
              another hard day
          a chance to fight the world
             to punish whomever
              because you deserve it
             your loneliness a cave
          that you're a slave to
too afraid to find a home
unsure how to speak
    no signs of being weak
       just angry
alone in your rage
your pen writing your wage
as you build up your cage
the walls of your spirit
bury themselves deep
  an attempt to escape
    solemn efforts
    mouth agape
you'll find no empathy from me
not any more, no, not again
no longer lovers, we were never friends
unrequited, ignited and scarred
not knowing your own strengths
you kept your heart barred
then swung hard
   almost a year since
no regrets yet
almost a life spent
wasted and thrown
hollow bombshell feelings
I write you with my fingertips
while I write these poems too
I hope we never cross paths again
because it's true, I still love you

She was the only one I trusted enough to let hold my hand,
hers wasn't as soft as mine, but I liked how long her nails were,
and the color of her nail polish, which I can't remember,
it's always changing anyway.
I hated it when she cried, but I loved it too.
The way her lips would almost curl up,
teasing you with the taste of her beautiful smile.
Her tears made her eyes flash from light to dark so fast that they would glow.
Her eye's a rich, dark chocolate, would melt into a moist gold and I
swear you could see the universe unfold in them.

She is the light that casts my shadow,
and the darkness that blends it into nothing.
Stripping my soul from bones and flesh.
I bend into her as she makes room by removing time and replacing the space between sight and sound.
The warmth in her red-stained lips, long socks, and tight skirts,
force me to smile as I walk alone, knowing that I'm the other half of
something.
Her colors make me scream a thousand times, until my throat gets
clogged with her contrast
and the inner-lining candy-coated things I
want to say dissolve with a down pour of tears
from the phrases that she pukes into my mouth for me to swallow,
and digest.  
Like a mother bird to it's baby.
She's often like a mother, the way she holds me,
the way she pushes me out of the nest
knowing I'm afraid of heights,
knowing that I'll fly anyway,
knowing I'm terrified of myself.

Trust is hard to come by alone in my room,
imagine my surprise in the amount that she would wrap me in,
imagine my surprise when she held me:
and wouldn't let go.

She fell in love and we visited his home together.
His bachelor apartment revealed his artistic interests
and his tendency toward a monkish life.
It made me tired, and hungry.
She slept beside me that night,
barely understanding what he was thinking through the walls.
I imagined her trying to feel his arms around her,
instead of the humid air and scratchy sheets.

I wished that my hair had less dirt
and that I could be the one whose
thoughts were blocked by concrete and wood,
and not a swollen tongue.

It's been a long time since then.
I give my cat milk instead of water,
I sleep with blue blankets instead of skin
and I keep my pajamas on.

My phone calls are lot dirtier than I'd like them to be,
and my heartbeat can't reach farther than my vision.
Now she cries for reasons I'll never know,
and I hate it.
It scares me that I can't dry them with my back turned,
and that she lives too close for letters.
I can only hope  that she'll stay long enough to be my winter skin,
and so that I can be hers,
because I know without each other we'll both freeze to death.

My heart needs you,
and my soul needs you,
like a stomach needs food,
or a suicidal man needs morphine,
or a child needs a friend,
or lips need the burn of a yes
or the freeze of a no:
I need you.

I only say that because I love you more than I love myself,
and that's saying something.

We were sweating, and moving together, like animals.
It wasn't enough that we took our mothers pills,
and filled our pockets with sugar.
We needed more,
we needed to kiss and dance,
feel something soft against our bodies.

I wanted you to justify your actions
with something more than a side-ways glance,
but you don't care to explain yourself,
because you seem to do things for no reason.

We were too sensual for casual conversation,
and although we talked all day,
we didn't know what our tones meant,
or how to answer each other's questions.

I wanted to feed you chocolate,
and feel your hands on my sides,
but for some reason you wanted to tell me jokes,
and use your hands for other things.

We were holding on in small ways,
secret ways that made people stare,
and wonder if we were in love,
even though they knew we weren't.

I wanted to consume as many chemicals as I could,
because the ones we shared were worth close to nothing.

Tripping on your wires
tangling myself in you.

Touching:
your skin:
so sweet
so soft,
so tender:
smooth as milk.

You shine up at me
like a thousand stars
your light strips me raw.

Soft as grass
sweet as sugar
you will be my only lover.

the mirror has gone black
sinking back into the wastelands
of my ever heightened fright

all love has gone liquid
dripping and spilling in my sight
my hands soaked, grasping at the droplets
thoughts of you slipping through my fingertips

no longer equipped to "just deal with it"

happiness waits beyond bridges
through your gates and over your walls
pit falls, into quicksand and lava, where you live

madness // madness, this bliss // madness...

apathetic sanctuary // my mortuary

sing at my next funeral, I've a few more left to go