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616 · Feb 2011
ghosts and tables
Pen Lux Feb 2011
you can die whenever you want,
but you can't live.

matching sweaters:
it was nice to see you today.

lumps of cat fur scattered over
the **** carpet of my brothers
hallway.

he says he's going to give me
a hug tomorrow.

I don't know what to say
as I stare at his unshaved face.
His eye's are more worn than
the voices that scream up the
stairs to him. He looks at me
as if he's trying to memorize:

this moment:
t   r   u  t   h
   r  u   t   h  t  r  u  t  h
      u  t  h  t  r   u  t   h  
         t  h  t  r  u  t  h
            h  t  r u  t h
               t  r  u  t  h
                       p
                          o
                             u
                                r
                             ­     s
                                      out.

these open spaces were born the same way we were:
                                         only opposite.
608 · May 2011
Children
Pen Lux May 2011
"I don't want you to love anyone else but me,"
Lips scabbing at the idea of saying out loud:
I write it down.
beauty
           the way your legs bleed when you shave
           and how young you are
                                                   when it's time to say sorry.
Madison Gregory, I waited for you.
you told me your name like you meant it
you told me your name because I told you mine
Madison Gregory, you don't exist.
                                                      I'm afraid because I talk to you
because I think of you
                                    killing me with thunder
                                    killing me with touch
stop me from being tender
stop me from being myself
you're so dark, your head turned away
backwards                                              you whisper
                                                         ­       and stutter
repeating the name your mother gave you
repeating: "Jesus" (about everything) "Jesus"
                    "I'm sorry" (about everything) "I'm sorry"                        
you look perfect. don't      
                              say sorry (about anything).
as your mother: I forgot about you when you went to school
                              but I still made dinner when you got home.
604 · Jul 2012
my sweetness
Pen Lux Jul 2012
Tough break, my love
you can't shake my love.
It's just a bullet, you can take it,
try and bite without leaving a mark
so that your thoughts don't send too far.
Off in the distance there's a sky room,
you keep showing me the light
and I can't help but walk behind it.
The way we match is blinding.

I fall into holes, it's easy enough for you,
pull me out.
My reasons are
stretching out,
further in the morning,
to cycle through my head all day.
You're my sweetness, my fear.
A subtle lust filling me with wonder,
this trust sends me under in a race
with my bones
against your bones.

Share your temptations
and stop them.

A rejection of phrases you use to define yourself,
you're too distracted with trying to fix the
constantly breaking other parts of what you're made of to look inside.
Just open your eyes!

You must have two hearts,
you devil,
you charm.
You must be hiding something
and protecting something
and wondering.
How much longer till this ship tips, breaks forward and flips?
there you are
thrashing in the water
and you kick
and carry and sink
and hold your breath
and feel yourself
being
dragged
down
by
precious cargo you won't dismiss.

Do you dare recognize your own happiness
and the extended prolonging of it?
Or follow orders and swim while you're drowning
in the darkness to find the shore you scream for?
604 · Aug 2012
short stories
Pen Lux Aug 2012
A mother in one hand
and a child in the other.
Learning love
from giving love,
I don't want to feel any different.

something of a poison enters my perception
and I shift my paradigm.
confidence is key!
I'll let you lock me and shock me
and feed me on my knees until
fear morphs into pleasure.

your ability to open your soul,
all fractions,
some fractured,
others perfectly aligned,
gives me the healing that's been hiding.
so, I send it back in rapid laps,
guiding you through my mind.

the best I can do with translation
is to tell you thoughts exactly as I think them,
decode with tone, and expression. touch you from the heart out
a mental connection, understanding that goes beyond simply understanding.
two thoughts become one.

darkness becomes light
but the colors don't shift.
truth becomes private
it's none of their business, (sorry friends).
help becomes natural
there's no more effort to this repairing
than there is to breathing while you sleep.

my distance holds hands with you, sweetness.
sometimes skin touching skin is never enough,
but just the thought of you brings me complete:
I need no more than what I've already been given,
but I'll accept whatever you send my way, promising
to give you as much and more,
all I can until I'm sore.
Even then I still wont let it stop me.
One foot in the front  of the other,
I'll live moment by moment,
hoping the ones away from you move faster,
so that my feet will meet your feet,
face in front of the other,
your eyes reflect me, and in mine
you look deep and keep looking.
Telling me what you see, I translate
what I can from your observations:
I love you,
but there's so much more to it.
601 · Apr 2014
5 a.m. Breakfast
Pen Lux Apr 2014
evening talks
into morning
walks home
stronger alone

his bones are the needles
that ***** ink into my skin
I can't begin to fathom
the nerve stinging print
that sends me ringing
in my collar bones,
which ache from oversleeping,
can't see anyone today
I'm too busy dreaming.
597 · Mar 2011
it's 9:00 again
Pen Lux Mar 2011
the stars disappear
in the summer.

cynical.

I woke up earlier than ever
day before last.

I wanted to see you again,
but I knew that I had no idea what
I would say if I did.

Nothing.
as always.
595 · Apr 2012
absolutely
Pen Lux Apr 2012
at which point do we understand the desire of our longing?
do we eat the apple because we were told to, or is it the hunger
within ourselves that takes hold of the opportunity with it's teeth?

falling to our knees at feeding time
we've given chance clearance
in a crowded pathway of such desire
that so forwardly pushes
with elbows
soft as kisses, and eyes sharp as needles.
we need less to say
we shouldn't say a thing.

temptation to forget.

we think things over
and fold ourselves in
positions so that our
warmth carries and
passes through one
layer of skin to the next.

waiting and rushing
sinking and flushing
cover the hushing with laughter!
you've become so friendly, so distant.
jokes and jealousy,
they thought they matched flawlessly.
a web of sweet musings
we're wrapped in the choosing's.
forgiving mistakes....
595 · Jan 2011
Space
Pen Lux Jan 2011
Thought
                w
      a
v
              e
                    ­      s
Brain
                                    w
                     a
                                              v
               ­                   e
                        s
P T E N
  A T R S.

M        i          n         e
    are      all      the

                                    same.
594 · Jul 2010
half
Pen Lux Jul 2010
I was watching this movie about this woman,
and she was trying to ****** this man,
but they had known each other since they were kids
and he didn't think of her that way,
so whenever the woman would try and make a move
he would simply remove himself from the moment.
It was sad, in a humorous way.

It reminded me of that story you told me,
the one about the time you were home alone
and you tried to make a bath tub full of tea
and drink it all, but you ended up forgetting
about it and you spent the rest of your weekend cleaning.
It was funny, but in a close-friends sort of way.

I know we don't listen to all the same music,
and I don't know that much about what we do,
but I'd like to think that it effects us the same.
594 · Jul 2010
Roalty
Pen Lux Jul 2010
she sat up, screaming, singing her songs
the magazine glued to her face
she wanted to know everything,
she couldn't help being curious;
It's interesting stuff.
She wanted something from everyone,
but it always seemed to turn around on her.
She was upfront about ***,
and her alone time.
Laughing at what the doctor said,
and yelling at the people on the streets.
She'd never believe how fast it went,
her adolescent years.
Her expectations were too high to match,
she was out of her league when it came to those sorts of things.
When she did believe in something,
it was something she made up,
or that you showed her to her face.
She's the kind of girl,
that needs to see it,
and touch it, and feel it.
589 · Dec 2011
certain curtains
Pen Lux Dec 2011
fire fighting &
             I can't stop
                                laughing.
and can't stop tackling
and can't stop being    quite
******
and I can't stop being  quiet.

thrombotic
lobotomy
you are
on top
of me.
     and I'm losing my breath
and I'm holding my breath
and I'm going under
and I'm going to cry
and now it's all over
and I wonder
                       if I ever really had it in the first place.
right before then, I knee you in the face.
he just doesn't listen
cause she can't think
can't speakkkkkk
it's a double lip kiss to the sky,
marveling at the light
                          darkness
                           brings
I'm spreading my wings.
in steps to your house
in steps to your heart
in jumping in pumping
in moving behind.
I'm calling you mine.
I'm rolling over your body,
I can hear you breathing'
I mistook your calm for dreaming
but when I called your name you weren't sleeping
you opened your eyes
                     and you said
"you're a beautiful heathen."
I still am.
I am infinity
standing up straight.
by all means believe what you want to believe
I think you might be in love with me.
sometime's I eat flour, it feels good in my throat
dry like a pastry, it's a coat throat choke, sometime's sweet
but that's just me.
don't know how                I feel
sometime's don't know
                                                     how to feel
                                           at all.

I'm king today, but every other day I'm
Not The King.
On the days that I feel dead,
I'm God
with your face on my face.

you're love sick
I'm sick of love
forget about it
write home
tell me later.
588 · Feb 2014
Aa
Pen Lux Feb 2014
Aa
there's a dark girl I know
so beautiful
can't help but want a handful,
can't seem to help but get a mouthful
of words
all sputtered up and un-thought,
mostly stuff I thought I forgot.

I tell her my issues, my problems, my dreams,
she doesn't give me pain
no she doesn't give me grief
but she's twisted my beliefs.
reminds me I'm sensitive by letting me relax
without emotional tax, gives me love without pointing out the facts.

she found me two feet on the ground
and shook me, took me to the skies.
I was proud to be around such a daring creature,
I am proud to have been bound in such a brilliant gaze.

love is in all places all faces all things
but there is no substitution to what her friendship brings.
587 · Jun 2010
Waste
Pen Lux Jun 2010
Everything’s become so tasteless as I realize
My whole life’s been wasted
I want to fold upon myself
Put my pieces on a shelf.
All my worries spill and scatter,
Just in time for my heart to shatter.
I feel on my finger tips what my eyes will never taste
The throbbing in my head moves to the traces of our last embrace.
I know that some day  I will die,
But until then my life is a helpless sigh.
579 · Jan 2017
Untitled
Pen Lux Jan 2017
a slave
he says
so brave
then he ends
with a thrash of his teeth
saying, "just ask me please!"

is it a crime for me to want these things
that cannot be seen?
576 · Feb 2012
cracks and bends
Pen Lux Feb 2012
treat me like an Emergency Exit Only sign
good morning is a warning, you must be awake
standing on a rock at the library
we trick ourselves into good times
and
words
look
beautiful
when
they're
alone
         and
         so
         do
         people.
I'm    alone, but I don't feel beautiful
                           and I don't feel ugly,
happy to be alive. Ready to explode
around
you.
       Anxiously waiting, accepting
                                      rejection:
oddities, such as leaking,
                                 are unavoidable. and
you
will
try
to make faces and *** calls.
    I'm no longer on the end to
pick
up. I'm
           dropped off, not waiting:
                                moving forward.
smiling.
571 · Jun 2010
Tricks
Pen Lux Jun 2010
I'm tired of saying, it's almost beautiful
The streets are cold at night, even though it's summer
And when I look you in the eyes, it's like their painted on your face.
I can never tell, which direction, they choose to fall.
Sweet kisses, those were the times.
I cut off my hair when I heard you were sick,
I figured you would need something to look at.
It's like I found a dream, except I'm not asleep.
Some intentions are too concentrated,
they'll dissolve if you get too close.
We're growing, too fast, in different directions.
Remember that night?
I was so nervous that I ripped apart her favorite book,
I wanted you to forget her,
all of her.
570 · Feb 2012
look out!
Pen Lux Feb 2012
I'm an unthinkable mess
stuck in a wreck

explaining myself until my throat goes numb.

I was a dull flame flickering out
and you were a ball of rage, faster
burning, striking with liking me
too much too close to the skin
and you were underneath in those
parts I didn't dare share, and once I did
over and over and
again
i wanted to stop after so long of the ripping
and putting back together
and ripping
and repairing
and ripping.
taking the time to look at the picture,
I found it was so torn that there was nothing left.

so to create a new one
I destroyed the old.
your death grip is no hold.

"Don't think about me."
Pen Lux May 2016
backwards breaking
belligerent bleeding
no success
in the wanting
no independence
in the needing
counterproductive concepts
crumbling creativity
no more
knowing
no more
clinging
no more
ringing
subtle silences
scorching screams

it's not a holiday
but we're drinking
smoking *******
threatening our hearts
with ideas of "again"
of "tomorrows"

the best time to dream is
from 7:30am to 8:15am
those are the dreams
you wake up with
the dreams that feel so real
that life is more dreamlike
so fantasies stay and play
no fear left in your heart
no longer needing to be wrapped in another
the only love is created from within
not from each other's

so let the mountains surround
and the music drowned
no drinking tonight
NO drinking tonight
don't bring it or leave it
I wake up at night
chug water
heavy breathing

I miss his kiss, back, tongue, hips
so, no drinking tonight, I want to
let go, not sink in.

rising up
as I'm
growing up
****
waking up
middle of the night
still drunk
throwing up
****
no drinking tonight

shedding layers in the light
I'll glow off the snow tonight
570 · Aug 2014
mMm.. good. mMm..
Pen Lux Aug 2014
to you
the moon
doesn't compare
to the light
which you shine
sending beauty
goosebumps
along my spine
spreading outward
through my being
you might
hold me
in your sight
tickle me
late at night
or sing a song
that burns in flames
the brightest light
honeybee
afraid of heights
lets move together
one step at a time
again with rhyme
I'm feeling fine
holding laughter
in my mind
love is inspirational
often the bind
makes it hard to write
all the time we talk
no fights
bicker is a trickster
spoiling and lime
sour spouting out
moving on
we leave doubt
say goodbye
to the star crushing ruckus
that we both know will
**** us
if the communication
is faithless
the words will remain wasted
tasteless in it's darkness
it's love we need to harness
to stay pure
to be raw
to be true
in all you do
we share not one side
but learn from the other
three dimensions of soft flesh
you take away my breath
so good morning and good evening
here's to believing
let's keep dreaming
565 · Apr 2012
as if we're truly there
Pen Lux Apr 2012
the best of us hide
because we know what's good for us.
killing something because it's expendable isn't an excuse
scream at me longer,
I want to bathe in the passion you reveal.
leaving early
the game was too intense
to keep playing.
adventure can seem fleeting
when all you focus on is fleeing.
self-corruption at it's finest
in the form of getting over
and going
beyond.
although these feelings can be more difficult
you'll realize what was there,
(nearly invisible),
before breaking
             and
             soaking
through.
561 · Jul 2012
morning flies
Pen Lux Jul 2012
there were days she talked too much,
she
looked
so
good
when
she'd
just
be quiet.
556 · Sep 2015
what am I even doing
Pen Lux Sep 2015
tired of fighting
glass words
leave me shattered

kisses and touches
that I once thought mattered
rebuild me
with your broken wings
let me curl your feathers
so when you leave
you're in circles
still thinking of me

blinking
squinting
lost in the ride
afraid of what's ahead
a suicidal girl
who already feels like she is dead
eating bread
staying home alone
letting the music play
and the TV drone

**** instead of *** today
******* the thoughts away
legs have never been an open gate
although she doesn't make you wait

you're special
shut up
get inside
eat a home cooked meal
and ******* love yourself

*******
love
yourself
or at least try
555 · Jun 2010
Torture Song
Pen Lux Jun 2010
I want to break your arms off
I want to see the pain in your eyes
every time I look at you
I wonder what you're thinking
the pen in your hand never seemed so slow
the blood in your veins never seemed so dark
the matches are wet and useless,
like
you
are.
Now that we've gone so far away
(from home)
I need to tell you about the scars,
The ones on my wrists, the blood on my fists,
it's what you've asked for, it's what you needed.
You wanted me dead, you wanted me gone,
but now you see me every day,
and now you give me all your pay.
You are my mother, you are my son,
you are my love, the only one,
for
me.
The lessons you learned, were,
useless.
The things that you loved, were,
lies.
Even now I want to puke,
the burn is here,
the fear has gone,
did I mention,
you're the only,
one
for
me?
The arrows on the streets are fake,
the maps have blown out the window,
into the night,
following the wind,
oh so cold,
the air.
Your skin has gone red, but now that I'm dead,
I cannot,
kiss
it.
What a shame, to be soaked with shame,
oh that blame, oh so tame, oh so lame.
It's time now,
to get your bruises,
whacked.
We're going to hurt you, make you wish,
say awful things, do awful things,
oh the pity, in the back,
of their heads.
It's seeping through their hearts,
oh the attack,
the silent attack,
of pain.
Don't you dare cry, it will only make it worse,
your ribs will be cracked,
oh so cracked.
They will rip you to pieces,
they will burn you alive,
rip out your hair,
until,
you, have none.
Don't you wish now, that you had stayed,
that you had listened, when I said,
"I'll rip you apart,
I'll ruin your life,
I'll steal your soul,
I'll make you feel,
real,
pain.
If you make me sob,
I will make you sob,
(so much more).
So I would think twice,
please,
take my advice.
Before,
you ruin,
your life."
546 · Feb 2015
remainZzz
Pen Lux Feb 2015
pablo took me to school today
"esquella mah nillah"

he shuffles along
like the soundtrack
to my everyday
he sings along
to the movement
like the muscles
& the blood that pumps through my veins
544 · Aug 2010
Answering Machine 15
Pen Lux Aug 2010
I  almost went to a movie with a man twice my age,
but then I told him I'm sort of involved with someone.
I guess you can say it's complicated.

I burnt my hand on a light bulb the other day,
I cried and cried, but I didn't do anything to try and help the pain,
I relished it, I marveled in it, as if it was the sugar in my tea.
It felt better than anything I've felt these past few months,
because it was better than nothing.
I know that's disgusting, and I know if you were there to see it you'd be sick, but you aren't here, if you were then it wouldn't be like this.

I've been watching the news, trying not to care,
and spilling secrets, not caring enough to clean them up.

I want you to tell me what your pain feels like,
and your anger,
and your sadness.
I need you to make me feel like I'm not alone.
544 · Dec 2010
difference between
Pen Lux Dec 2010
I thought I was going to die last night.
I was slowly moving without realizing:
I've never had it, or I had it too long;
but the idea of tripping into existence
takes too much time to learn how to forget.

I didn't know what would happen last night,
even after I realized
there was noise coming from inside of me.

but we all know this **** is irrelevent.
539 · May 2015
rerung
Pen Lux May 2015
seeing myself in the morning
only this one is different
not so lonely
more homely
comfortable
yet, unfamiliar
not so *****
more ****
confident
yet, restless

I want to hold on
to the best of this
lips pressed into
a kiss, one before
and after
another
never ending
it seems
537 · Jul 2012
critical hits
Pen Lux Jul 2012
attention span crackling,
you're losing all your words.
can't remember what you said to me?
I feel like a tornado
and want to say hello through this storm.
talk to myself to find the answers.
there's no such answer in your eyes.
what do you see? something of a glare,
in my stare of such searching, cut my hair
give you my locks.
tell you I love you when it's too hard to breathe.
just want to get it over with.
something disintegrating into me.

I tried to write letters like I used to,
it seems that I've forgotten.
there's too much lost
that should be written.

keep me on the edge of the ledge,
lifting to the tips of my toes

shrinking mildly

just,
so
you
might
not see me
when
I
cry,
I guess we should just wait until the night
when you can't see a thing.
536 · Dec 2011
full of warm
Pen Lux Dec 2011
i want to wake up early tomorrow
put your hands into my bag
watch your eyes
rub your tears off
                          onto my cheek
i love you
but we spend too much time together
i feel like you have something to say
but it'll take a little longer


oh god, i hope i wake up early tomorrow.
531 · Jun 2014
slithering in the heat
Pen Lux Jun 2014
darkness of the mind
fire in the heart
my desire
is
my destruction

within the forests of my breasted figure
lies a dormant snake
sprouting fear in my dreams
leaving me empty
aside from memories in my wake
all of the blue I once knew
suddenly bursting into flame

it's time to face what I create
a pair of emerald eyes
unblinking-unthinking
another of the deepest mud
unrevealing
no longer feeling
the last
most terrifying & candied eyes
butterscotch & bloodshot
looking upward to the crescent in the sky
seeing new colors
saying
goodbyes

six eyes
on three heads
sprouting from a body
made of
snow
curling crystals
jagged and etched
along the slender creatures form
hunger tries to consume
this beast
"what is love,"
the fire asks,
"save for a wet & bloodied feast?"

the snake uncurls
as if ready to latch on to it's prey
then soon after
bolts away

the heartbeat of fire:
much too loud in it's calmness
to be frightened by
hunting snow
with intentions to consume
such a succulent meat
will the snake evaporate in the heat of desire
or
will the fire be smoking
in it's failure
to catch the slithering beast?

frightened with a calmness
death is in the air
in the stare
of all
six
sick
& wicked eyes

the fire muses
in it's confusion
of what's right or wrong
the hunt is no longer a game
life and death
no longer simply names
realities of fortune
and lacking
just the same
the snow and the ice
too weak to face this flame

predictions of
when the snake melts down
to nothing but water and bones
she'll gather the crusted crystals of desire
she so often used to admire
used to hold
in a heart of stone

a different destiny to behold
if the snake
were to win
the burnt paper of her skin
would
go grey in the wind
no more
flames
no more
spark
heart grown
dark
and weary

what torture could send the snakes tongue
down her throat and lick the flame
into an outrage of misplaced
words
that held nothing save for demands
in those hands
the blood had stained
how much of how little could last
no more of the new
in the end
what is left is
all that has passed

snake and flame
forever
in cycle
recycling their pain
until
neither remain
526 · Mar 2014
kairu san
Pen Lux Mar 2014
forgotten, love's rotten.

anxious for patience to comfort me
your first glance slid down my throat,
calming and silencing the madness
brewing within the poison I consumed.

my heart trembled as your eyes soothed the breaking.

deep sea diver, take me under
your dark waters wont freeze me
your depth is relieving
it's warmth that I'm feeling
submerged in liquid, yet still breathing.

angel of darkness, lover of light
all it took was one night
your pleasure masked in my nightmares
my pleasure seeping through the reality you opened my eyes to
my shallow blue is through
I swear I'll be true

no more secret lovers
no more hidden wakes
**** the liars
**** the fakes

your purity is the only thing that isn't transparent in the light
the amazement I feel at your existence is unbearable
but your mystery holds more beauty than darkness
so I see and think I believe
perhaps you bleed
but I do too.
523 · Aug 2010
Answering Machine 8
Pen Lux Aug 2010
I can't stand the heat when you're gone,
it's like my sweat doesn't mean anything,
and the headaches are just there, buzzing.

When my make-up melts onto my shirt,
I just leave it on, and wear it for days.
I don't have to look nice anymore.
(Did I ever look nice?)

It was nice seeing you the other day,
even though none of this was mentioned,
I guess you haven't gotten a chance to listen yet,
or maybe you didn't want to talk about it.
It's fine if you don't.

It was weird when our lips touched,
yours were soft and perfect and everything I imagined,
but it wasn't a kiss,
it happened twice,
but it still wasn't a kiss.

We're both humans,
and I like the little ways we prove it to each other,
(I'm glad you like it too).

Thanks for the drink,
I really needed it.
522 · Mar 2010
insignificant
Pen Lux Mar 2010
digging through the pavement
with our fingers
we have nothing to show
but asphalt underneath our nails.

sometime's we're attracted,
but mostly we're distracted.

insignificant figures torn
from the edges of what we call reality
wanting to be something more,
only to be left in the dark to struggle with the bends.

sometime's we're alive,
but mostly we're dead.

heavy waves of realization
scorn the oblivious into truth
proving the lack of worth
with each stroke
everything shades itself out
before anyone can think again.
- From Contagious Energy
521 · May 2010
Away
Pen Lux May 2010
I'm not myself today.

You always stand too close to my back
and your breath gives me chills.
If you don't want me

go away.

We look good together
and our smiles have the perfect frames
                                                     for kissing.
Since when did you get so thin?
and
your hands
are exceptionally soft today.

Your jokes  
            are so funny,
                                           and that's perfect,
because I've been looking
for an easy
way some to burn some calories.
Your *** is so good,
                                           and that's perfect,
but for different reasons.

Now that winter's over,
I feel heavy when I hold your  hand,
and the pressure of summer is hot,
and you're sweating all this                      hate.
I've got the feeling that
                                                             you want me
to
go
away.

And now that it's over,
I can look the sun in the eye,
but only because

("we're all stuck on our toes")
and

I'm stuck on my toes.
517 · Aug 2015
some nice things
Pen Lux Aug 2015
it's nice to find
satisfaction
in hoping

it's nice to feel
my mind
opening

it's nice to see
a path
constructing

it's nice to know
everything
is fluxing

it's nice to be
me
and nobody else

it's nice to
finally
love myself
516 · Jan 2015
lawn / tight / history
Pen Lux Jan 2015
another night out
dancing alone in the crowd
music blaring, loud
the singer, a voice
that shouts
sprouts out
emotions
thin veins peaking
thin skin peeling
no longer moist
during day break
simply breaks
cracking in the heat
a drought of the heart
locked in tight
rough beatings
smooth talking
it's harder to move
being held down
when he's stronger
he'll last longer

you're a goner
fuuu
509 · Aug 2010
4974
Pen Lux Aug 2010
When ever we listen to that song,
I imagine you ******* him,
and it's perfect.
For both of us.
I know that sounds twisted, I guess because it is.
I don't care.
If I ever get the chance to kiss you,
I'll try and do my best not to smile,
or laugh.
Oh God, that would be the worst.
I hope your music makes you happy,
and your numbers,
and your pictures,
and your fish.
The next time you need someone to help clean up,
don't ask me,
I'll be miles away.

Does it make me important if you watch me while you eat?

I know I'm nervous because I'm afraid to swallow,
and it cracks my mold,
gulping down my last ounce of  dignity,
I choke on my tongue,
and strangle myself with embarrassment.

I'm hungry for your body, so I starve myself of everything else,
hoping you'll notice how thin I am,
and do something about it.

We'll watch each others reflections
because we both share a love for film.
I've been waiting for inspiration like this,
forever.
507 · May 2013
4/17
Pen Lux May 2013
you are blinding
such as the light
of my life
when I see
no point in
living.
506 · Jan 2015
Tea
Pen Lux Jan 2015
Tea
I learned her name
the way I learned to deal with pain
I felt her inside of you
burning fast and hard like forest fires
I knew her memory in flames
which shown through your eyes as we touched
one of my best friends spoke her name
images of you rushing through me like waterfalls
trickling down sweat from my exposed flesh and hanging hair
they ate food together, talked of her travels, proved me wrong again
her name rushed through my mind as I meditated
the waterfalls became quicksand, engulfing me
again, it's hard to breathe, it's hard to think
so instead I learn because it's time again
leave me to the rotting in, writing
it's okay to be alone again
I'll forget her name
as soon as I see her face
her face is in my head, the dread
the song of the symphony in her smile
jealousy and jam and jelly and peanut butter
and let me get fat through sweets and beats blaring
I'm done with caring so much about the little things
just another day to go outdoors, not running, just jamming
dancing along the concrete concord of my pathway
this day has been productive, building knowledge
storing knowledge and expanding insights
again, I say, I am beginning, begging
only slightly... for new beginnings
continuing forward, no delays
soon to see brighter days
no one left to show me
the way is within
steady, forward
let's begin

although, never again
t   o  g   e   t    h   e    r
Pen Lux Feb 2012
the feeling passes
through inhaling gases

you're a chalked up lamb.

you talked me up
about him
          ham
          have
          some
           hands.
a             handsome
                              man
said something about the weather
and agreed with a nod of the head.
sure this lady was talking, but he knew she was dead.

ghosts sound appealing,
moving through the sheets,
they're under them and you're under you
falling through from raising others.
I would enjoy some feed back as well as interested in collaboration. I will send you messages in response to your comments as to what I decide.
503 · Sep 2015
shadow of light
Pen Lux Sep 2015
blood lines
moon veins
balance in
taking chances
beneath the skin
charging chakras

chanting mantras
demons creeping
loving to taunt us
one mentions two
the placebo begins
so rather than holding
on and sinking in
we're sprouting out
as Fall begins

ancient colors
soft chilled winds
clouds parting
faded sunlight
canopying in

green folds to gold
as brewing stories unfold
every month a holiday
from the first to the end
growing older
repeating habits
writing again
writing until my sins
feel less like sin
and more like progress

progressive evils
tentative friends
nature morphing
surrounding me
a creature again
paling and darkening
496 · Sep 2014
burning blunder
Pen Lux Sep 2014
forever better
alone with production
forever better
attending to poetic tendencies

the skies cry as I write
smoke so thick that it puts fog in the corner
heavy winds and planes rushing overhead
lightning with no trace of thunder
the wind rumbles louder
sequencing with my stomach
as I ache for inspiration in every toxic breath
that follows after the fire spreads

I smoke with the earth
as my lungs bleed
together with my heart
493 · Apr 2011
12159
Pen Lux Apr 2011
I like the way it sounds
when we're all bundled close,
looking over each others bodies
as if they were our own.

Wednesday's tomorrow,
I've already gained 5lbs thinking about it.
I wonder what you'll say,
and if I'll have enough breath to respond.

This animal is eating its way
outside of me, and when it does get out,
it's headed straight toward you.
492 · Nov 2014
Untitled
Pen Lux Nov 2014
I read his poetry like Bukowski
religiously
I spent time drinking and *******

in protest to the aching inside of me
raking through old poems was easier
than writing new ones about the life
I was throwing away, because the
heartbreak was nothing but a wedge
drivingmeclosertothemistakesand
even further from the                       writing

I read his poems like I drink coffee
every morning
that I'm not feeling sick to my stomach
and I choke him down to spit him out
no longer masked or guarded
sparing courtesies
because the mysteries
weren't as mystical
as all the fantasies
used to be saying
it's good to look
and it's a privilege to touch

these lips ache in your absence
yet I haven't learned enough
477 · Jan 2015
environmental complications
Pen Lux Jan 2015
we knew the air in our own language
we knew the trees in our own language
we knew each other in the same way
we knew
the air and the trees
differently
475 · Sep 2015
after work? poetry
Pen Lux Sep 2015
alright, don't invite me
see if I care what you
share with the other people
you might call friends
who are simply pawns.

                  it feels strange to finally write about you

I was going to write by
hand and in a letter
but you never deserved
it in the first place so
why? I ask myself why
in the hell would you deserve it now?

you said you like
me because I'm articulate
In reality I think it's because
I took your **** without spitting
everything back for you to look at
you brought my hand to the bottle
made me numb to your toxicity
while I was ******* on your
***, never ******* both, HA
you only kissed me when
you were bored and
never because you
really wanted it
hating truth
hating you
......    ......
     ......

alright, I DON'T HATE YOU, but I want to tell you
                 i hate you
for what you let me become and for what you didn't tell me
for all the time I spent thinking about you and for all the time
wasted wishing that you thought about me too for what you
always gave and for what you never gave because all I ever
wanted was tobeclosewithyou apparently I got trapped in
one of those cliche phrases "keep your friends close and
you enemies closer" perhaps you knew I wouldn't like you
if I wasn't drunk, you knew I would get bored and leave

well, chocolate truffle, you were my worst mistake

I am learning who my friends are

darling, you were only fake
it's weird making friends and losing friends and why and what and who where when well... because that **** happens

I don't know, but I have had a great *** day and this poem
really really really helps me in a weird way to feel even better!
475 · Mar 2014
wonder what?
Pen Lux Mar 2014
rotten
I am lost in thought
a better version of myself
fallen in the cotton
bought in to the game
the books in the flame
now only the memory remains.

I see you shifting in your seat,
getting comfortable?
I see you sounding out my name,
getting uneasy?
I'll sit across from you some day
and stop apologize for breaking.

I know there's more than enough material
and the sewing kit's been drawn out, so I'll
stop all of this repeating and return to ink,
no more cheating.

It's wrong when it's right, it's like numbers
held too tight, squeezing fractions of my might
when I love too much, I bite.

vegetarian by day,
carnivorous by night.

all the apples see me bleeding
with the ink between my teeth,
ask me which one I want to drop
and before answering, shake the tree
my strength is unknown and the branches they break
like a knot in a spine, or getting cut up
                                                                ­  and left behind.
I said I tried
and I tried,
not to cry
or to fake it.
I got lost in the crowd
got too loud,
then lost sound,
lost and found, not all was lost,
but the cost still hurt and struck
me down, like lightning in the eye,
he hadn't seen me die,
turn around
I'm still alive.
472 · Apr 2016
frantic romantics
Pen Lux Apr 2016
I've been looking without seeing
talking without listening
screaming with no sound
loving endlessly, hopelessly
I'm not proud about the
slamming in my chest,
persistent knocking.

Fear is tempting me; walk!
Go see him; Go break yourself.

Maybe one day I will learn not to love,
to give, to share, to spend, to hold on,
so quickly, so easily, so hard.
in with the old and out with the new
in with the new and out with the old
in and out with the old and new
this poem, I'm not sure how old,
feels like new!
472 · Feb 2015
charred hard, black
Pen Lux Feb 2015
drifting
I am lifted
on my own
muscles aching
feels like
rubber bands
stretched too thin
snapped back too fast

sifting
I am buried
inside myself
mind aching
feels like
not enough sleep
with too much to drink
left to sink
thinking
about who I might have met

last night

subtle connections
second distractions
too soon and the moon
says goodbye
as do you

nothing left
save a name
something
one thing
I can keep

I'm saving the memory
470 · Jan 2015
Exiting Inside
Pen Lux Jan 2015
Pendelton Lux
Giving ***
For Free
So Scurry
Little Rabbits
She Welcomes
Intelligence
Beauty
Spirit
Passion
The Healing and (even) The Broken

Pendelton Lux
Using a crutch
Losing his touch
Anger inducing stimulation
He's thrashing outward
Screaming to allies
Asking for truth
Stays up late
Eats small bites
Nauseous thoughts abound
No longer sound
Head spinning round
Wishing tears away
He welcomes sleep
Only wanting to dream from the beginning anyway
~where they reside~

ever feel like you have more than one part of yourself?
but you have two main selfs?
sort of like the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other?
I do.
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