brown, black and white
pebbles of...
dirt scattering across.
the kitchen floor,
liquid silver...
call it Mercury,
watch it bolt from room to room.

bullets...
maybe twenty,
down the hallway.
past the stairs.
one more step.
maybe twenty...
pebbles
of
brown,
and
black and white
dirt.

red... moldable clay
and
you'll feel home.
and
you'll feel
***** as a bullet
shooting through
your eye socket.

Mercury takes morning
by storm, spreads out
and stretches...
stretches so far moons
are consumed,
as is the day,
and soon.

it will be you.

you listen to the music that I am now and you are here and feel like I do.
we were kissing and loving and sharing our beauty.
you are the fire that burns my lips, my tongue.
I stare into those eyes that morphed my thoughts and sent me to that beautiful escape we like to call home.
I feel your paralyzing touch and sink into our boundless love.

an illusion of acts
destroyed by the facts
it's innocence she lacks
holding back
attacks

the words she wants to speak
are the words that make a creak,
horrifying shriek!

saying what I feel
and actually feeling
instead of suppressing
passive aggressive thoughts

solitude gives me strength
people give me strength
learning to balance time
is harder than balancing my body
one legged, arms stretched out in front of me

popular outcasts
    drawing together
only go out in downcast
                weather
        tangled or tethered?

eating energy to release energy
    an expense that tastes good
chewing instead of grinding
   succulent daze leave me
crazed in this maze
   left to digest what's left
of what was supposed to never be
    maybe it was all me trapped
in my own fearful mistakes
     tossing and turning in nightmares
so afraid I dare not wake to reality
   scary, but in a different way

octopus legs
graze against
a wolf through the haze
passion's ablaze
howling to the moon
in the dimmest of
lights, bodies
stacked and
curving
laying together
in their dark
masses
two animals
intertwine,
intoxication closed
deep in their eyes.

fingers say more than mouths do
words no longer a language that
needs to be spoken.

committing to another work
that is more playful
than painful
and
the outcome
much more satisfying than a
paycheck.


a day when there is no sun
without the moon
because neither wants to
outshine the other.

complimenting each others
form, differences abound
in the sounds of their
creating, maintaining
a life force is more of
a course than a lecture,
writing turns to writhing
as the pens are dropped
to their feet, exposing
much more than
intellectual property woven
into each layer of the room
intermediate communication
is over
revealing all the answers in the
prose.
learning history is repeating
as summer leaves you overheating
the animals which are overflowing
the surface will soon become extinct.
we only have time for actions
there's no more need to re-think.

I want to see you in this morphed place:
you light fires so well.
Hold me so that I might feel
the words that you're trying to say,
that are so hard to find.

I'll share mine if you share your strings.

There are pieces of your loss.
Some: I want to strangle.
Others: I want to kiss away.

If you need to bleed,
do it on me.
I'll even lick it off.

I'm trying to be what you need
and
I don't even know you.

I'm not sure if I'm
more sad
             or relieved
that you don't read
what I write
or that I
sometimes
keep you up
late at night
twisting and turning
               sweating body
             getting hot in your
sleep so hot that you
wake to another
smoldering morning
              another hard day
          a chance to fight the world
             to punish whomever
              because you deserve it
             your loneliness a cave
          that you're a slave to
too afraid to find a home
unsure how to speak
    no signs of being weak
       just angry
alone in your rage
your pen writing your wage
as you build up your cage
the walls of your spirit
bury themselves deep
  an attempt to escape
    solemn efforts
    mouth agape
you'll find no empathy from me
not any more, no, not again
no longer lovers, we were never friends
unrequited, ignited and scarred
not knowing your own strengths
you kept your heart barred
then swung hard
   almost a year since
no regrets yet
almost a life spent
wasted and thrown
hollow bombshell feelings
I write you with my fingertips
while I write these poems too
I hope we never cross paths again
because it's true, I still love you

We are all one
recycled energy
fluxing in and
                         out
               of existence.
We are but waves,
pulling each other
under, and bursting
into the light with
burning lungs,
flowing through the motions
of
daily life.

Sink or swim?

I can't believe after all this time
nothing has changed
the bed sinks the same way
my head knocks to the clocks
tick tock tick.. tock...
left, bent, and waiting
what's right?
my throws send tidal waves
my voice breaks bridges that lead across pathways
to my house, to my heart, to the ringing that's got
me singing, "food, food! glorious food!"
and asking, "so I'll see you at the show tonight?"
it's okay if you're afraid of these feelings
it's okay if you're shy of this light, 'cause I'm beaming
I've got a second chance to start believing
that maybe I'm here for a purpose
and not all these words are worthless.

there is a world beyond the window:
to remember that the window is there
and to look out of it, is to come to the realization
that thoughts are small and actions are somewhat of a promise.

I guess
a shift,
can't
help
but
feel it.

"We're killing our bodies
while they're still capable
of being killed." -Said a teacher, said a friend.

"The only good thing you have left is yourself.
It's all a matter of the perspective you have of this
life." -Replied the other.

fantasies of self harm
the thoughts I usually lure away
began to fester inside my brain
reliving pain in spirals
imagination running wild

demons whisper
with poison lips
begging me for just one kiss
giving me reasons
reading the list
of all the moments I might miss

the voices came in screams today
knocking and raging
my cage might break

I tried to calm myself today
let the demons have their say
then move on in my own way

I did this time
in five ways right
to this healing
I hold fast and tight

early darkness
my bed a harness
don't want to tarnish
this sacred time in space
star dust in the star light tonight
let me burn here a moment longer
not meaning to linger with my fingers
dancing in and out of your personal bubble
take me to the moon and leave me to rebuild myself

I've lost it no matter the cost of it and I lost interest in you too

looking in the mirror
to meet a new person
over time my wounds
have begun to emerge
the healing soon shifts
from unachievable in my mind
to unraveling within my heart
today is made of all my choices
so here I let my feelings unfold
stretching within me is a release
bones popping
pain breaking
the sound of an apartment door slamming
I'm tuned back in to the sounds of music
bones popping
pain breaking
and I am through with the silence
radiating rather than retaining
I speak no more
yet I still make sound

Bukowski says poetry is not for the faint of heart. I feel a small ache as I turn another of his pages. What have I been neglecting? Myself, the words, the reality? The reality which the words showed me. Too much for a growing girl, growing in swirls, rather than up, just crazy. Same road again, almost every morning, anxiety. Awkward again, sick and angry boy. He breaks silence with ****** functions and doesn't like to repeat himself.
Okay, Bukowski, you're right.
Poetry is not for the faint of heart.
he art, she art, it will tear you apart... if you let it.

I can feel the colours running
I search for the right words but nothing's coming.

My face is clear,
apart from the burn of a cigarette
and the traces from your finger tips.
This is relationship terminology
and it's tearing a hole inside of me.

Perfectly painted fishes that line your bathroom walls
and the cold yearning of a sinking ship calls.

Now I'm alive,
but some thing's never change
and what I have is incredibly strange.
It's this smile,
it shines and it aches.

Let me run until my feet begin to bleed,
because I have you and that's all I'll ever need.

I don't need something to believe in,
because my only belief is collecting dust,
and the second you cry is the second you start to rust.

We call them lies because they were never true,
and now I'm soaking with the fact that my 8 pound head
is full of over 100 pounds of you.

raining:
smells clean,
cold. sky,
a smoky mass
of liquid.

seems fitting
look your best
seems ripping
confidence shot
through your legs
don't you dare
start shaking

emotions
wild, and
untamed.
actions in
a frenzy
unnamed
bone held
kisses are
stinging
your flesh.
an eruption
of action
cradled
in malice.
intentions?
no direction.
attention?
dissection.
innocent?
objection!!

lights on
dress up
lights off
get down
sun's up
shake off
sun's down
take on...

consequences with no direction
actions without thought or reason
no wonder all the courtesy
was more than just teasing
with two broken hearts
one might slow the pounding,
or maybe take another beating.

a glass 1/4 full,
            3/4 poisoning me.
a gift from the devil,
once a charming fellow,
but he encouraged me to swallow.
"Drink, drink! Enjoy the mystery,
don't stop to think. Drink, drink!"

encouragement towards destruction
break your fist on my plastered heart
you've got the strength for construction,
a ******* art, tear me apart with your
actions, distractions!! your lips are poison,
no more sweet than ****.

doubtfully beneficial
for either party, who's
to say who knows best?

each action has a reaction
a movement of the tongue,
lips, hands, teeth, fist, just
the same, ends with another
consequence.

"Think, think!" the black angel rings,
"Think, think! You were never King!"

THEIF!! theif!!

you've taken what was not yours to take
accepted what you should have denied
wanted to find some sort of paradise?
maybe you should have stopped gazing
when you met his eyes, let yourself cry
alone, where you belong. never should
have opened a black-holed, back-breaking
always-aching, can't help from taking, heart.
not only a wreckage of your own faults,

the battlegrounds for healing:
day one.

Coffee, Cigarettes,
freeways and bees
Sitting outside
beneath the trees
All sun
No breeze
Still thinking that my heart
might freeze

I woke up this morning
Wanting to cry
Wishing I could write
Living a lie

Unsure
Back and forth
I'm a pendulum
In a storm
Swinging
Back and forth

The ache for meat from a starved vegetarian
and the life flooding from a dead mans eye sockets.
Images that blind you and burn you,
like an itch under your finger nail,
out of reach, deep beneath what hurts to break.
I'll give you the benefit that I always loved you and I'll pray out loud,
even if my teeth are clenched,
tongue bleeding,
barely breathing through the pain.

A million words wouldn't cure this silence.

This silence is dead,
cold,
rotting,
and yet it stares
with a contradicting smile
and it breathes, continuing to ****,
soaking deeper like memories do.

Understanding the nature of your actions,
                                                          reactions,
                                                          emotions.
You're my paper man.
Your strings are slowly breaking.
One day they'll be gone, and where will you be?
You don't believe in anything.
You're an agnostic piece of literature
that's collecting dust in some old building
where there aren't any people, and if there were,
they wouldn't understand your language,
or your face.
They would fear your hands,
and your eyes,
and your finger.
The finger that pulls the trigger,
that cuts the strings,
their strings, and your own.

There's this certain emptiness that comes with death at ones own hand.

words are liquid
slowly drying on
each page and yet
I cannot write a thing

thoughts about the perv.
who is he, why does he
come out with a drink
in his hand, around his band
can barely stand but he's hitting
on each woman that he perceives
to have such low self-esteem
as to take him home with her
that night he got punched
kicked and spat in the face
no drinks were poured
(too expensive,
     and he was a wasted
                                    waste of $7.50)

twenty one and single
broken hearted
feels *******
working hard
day in day out
volatile tactics
repeating old habits
twenty one and single
wondering why
I do what I do
art and beer
*** and fear
nothing is clear
why do I want you here?
things were easy
enjoying your breathing
the heat you emit
the way that we fit
twenty one and single
wondering too much
craving to be touched
who and when
again with a friend
why why why
in the evening
......why
do I miss that guy?

with the mind of an artist you'd think that she could come up with
something to jump off the page
strangle you with her words of beauty and then bring you back to life
with every word she has written
but all she can do is repeat herself and stumble, fall, and skin her knees
with the ground at the bottom
to pull something from nothing and force it in a box, then twist it into a
riddle, that's what she does
then she looks at people, makes things sad, tries to believe in her own
lies, then kills with her artificial love
coffee breath, ***** jeans, a tired girl, and a desperate search for
something more
cornering a boy with the shadow covering his face, he's so unknown in
this town that it's almost unbearable
innocence doesn't make him blind but it makes his eyes a portal to his
young untouched mind
she looks inside and tries to find what makes him smile, she unravels
his secrets and a memory or two
everything that came out of those untouched lips made everything
shine and burst with a euphoric light
the lust she had for him was held in a jar with a tight cap and a glued lid,
she hoped it'd never be revealed,
until the day the jar breaks she will forever linger, tense and poised,
until she can somehow relax

if our first kiss
was my last kiss
I'm not sure if
I would miss
the others
anymore
sinking
feelings
nothing more
more sore
or worn out from the throw of it
the bend and shortly following
the snap
snapping back into reality
back into myself
ego fully shattered
from receiving decent help
from my God
whichever one...
you believe or disbelieve
doesn't mean a thing to me
whole
completed
alone through the thick
and the thin of it
my backs
backed tight
and I'm starting to get
a hold of it
feeling the mold of it
moist clay
not so gentle and fragile
when it's dry
it's bound to break
so here's a thank
you
for all that you do
all you don't do
and whatever
we do together
never better
at least it
no longer aches
when we're apart
shattered heart no longer glaring
simply healing in it's staring
good night
slow and steady
good morning

are you ready for the day?

love turns to
want
turns to need
turns to,
"don't talk to me,
please."
hate burns
to dislike turns
to just might,
burns it's black light.

I lost you in the purple hues
of all things we used to do.
I  knew that what I felt was true,
you could see it in my eyes
and feel it in my touch,
I'm being honest
and I think it scares you.

again
I sit in wonder
about how easy it is
to drink
talent away
how I drank so much of mine
****** it down the drain
instead of tickets
rides on the train
writing poetry
all just a dream
it seems

escape
practically impossible
at this point
too many mistakes
to run away
repairs must be made
only my love left to take
experience has taught me
it's only your love left to shake
from my bones and my insides
thoughts of you are too toxic for me to
detox
all I can hear is the thudding of my heart
can't hear your weak knocks
your eyes are shots
worry and fear
all you
brought
and
you still linger
in my head
as I lay in bed
forever alone
consumed into a restlessness
tossing and turning
rolling over
thoughts of you
my physical memory
is nothing but a haunting
dark and ghostly figure of your touch
your presence
you wouldn't touch me
just lay there
rotting
two feet beside me
too far ahead of me, too busy sinking

I'm so glad that
I don't
gotta worry
about no one
but me.

something rang in my mind
came to find, soon you'll see
                        that I just don't
got the time
                                  to rewind
to recognize the trace
of another nostalgic smell
when the sun through the window
heats my flesh,
all I know is
                      it's morning.

the lonesome rising
                                  feels heavy
starting the day
                            ready to shut down
closing you out
removing all doubt
that this confidence
will only commence
while communicating
without speech,
                            without sound.

the words once spoken
retreated, too often, repeated.
misconstrued and misconducted
no more pieces, reconstructed.

verbalization once was key
yet now it's plain and clear to see
actions speak volumes,
heights in which words
will never reach.

no more explaining,

I'm sick
of the preaching
the controlling
confuse for teaching.

words are a tool
best used to enhance
or clarify
any given situation.

I'm so glad that
I don't
gotta worry
about no one
but me.

Keep myself safe
in my head,
empty bed,
no more dread.

Today,
I'm no more alive
than I am dead.

living in a fantasy
nothing feels
real
nothing feels
right

twenty years old
still cold
in the light

if only my hands
were tied
skin never eyed

mouth zipped
words
no longer on my mind

teach me to touch
without having to hide
or shaking my pride
you're the shore
that's wrecked
by my tide

nothing feels
real
nothing feels
right

Some Hesse for your morning, "Only the ideas that we truly live have any value."

Interestingly enough,
impulse has led it's course.
Repeating the same things,
makes my throat go hoarse.
Each life has so many reasons,
for the consequences they receive.
Keep that
bright
penny
horn
beam
locked in the seems.
Counting dollars for whiskey
instead of the corpse bleeding
holding the beating
of
your
silly
little
heart.

Keep counting your days,
please try
and leave it
at one day
each day
at a time.

leaving
won't keep retreating
the movement of your
crime

yeah you've got
the same girl and
you're still just much too shy.
well look here mate,
I saw your date,
but she's not as
great as mine.

so fine. and charming,
it feels alarming.
trying not to make waste
but to continue the chase
is not an attempt of mine.
I find myself caught
in a bind.

that moment
that meaning
it was nothing more than feeling
the same things I felt, when I felt
like someone else. Today, I feel,
and I am someone else, each day
is today! let's meet someone else
so we can truly be ourselves. Or
just take it away
to a new found place,
because if you go I won't stop you,
I don't mind change. Interesting,
as it was. I find I'm truly alive.
Feeling new things, breathing,
no rings!
I avoided as much that simplicity brings,
I'd never get so attached to such constricting things.
snakes on the loose, cut up and wet, soaking in the
moisture of their guts in their rut.

Not a place to be having
company to boot.
we're all caught in dining
in this strangling root.

cut the cords while I'm dreaming,
I want to rest in peace.
soon nothing but blue water
blue skys and blue brains,
this is all a romantic drama
that blew through my veins.

who could have knew, who would have known?
it's morning and it's raining, let's stay inside all day.
keep away                                                    keep away,
                         the time to play is over.
keep away

                                               keep away.

pale
unprepared
another sunrise
waiting for sunset
the heat just wont
let up today
don't want to go
outside, just
want to
light up.

shying away from the white on the walls
so full of screws and tacs and faces
run your hand across it
accept the lack of life
animate your dreams with reality
fill yourself with good news

I don't want your love unless you know that I'm impulsive

I wasn't happy about it
but i congratulated you anyway
I wanted you to know that I cared about you
that was the only way I knew how
then I hid it all away with the expressions on my face
which was pointless because you could hear it in the taste

I don't want your love unless you know that I'm repulsive

waiting for noise to write to
inspiration seeps through
tiny speakers, slowly, louder
cracking and breaking
bursting with emerald
sapphire and lavender
the scents and the colors of sound

like an ostrich in open desert
being approached by three lions
their breath silent and teeth shining
my mouth dries up in fear of theirs watering
it's true that some things never change
the only thing left to do is run away
knowing the truth of the scene
I smash my head into dirt

skull breaking
the earth is
taking me back

half a cup of coffee this morning
better than nothing
getting a ride this morning
worse than walking
faster than walking
saving some time
killing the planet
exercise today
the couch won't be too lonely
the internet has many friends
exercise today
your patience
as you speed through the day
exercise your mind
keep talking away

another day
proving to myself
that I can be myself

**no apologies or excuses included

fearful seconds
overbursting
minute to minute
times grind
separating signs
weeks turn to months
turn to
dreams
again last night
awakening sight
as I closed my eyes
awake in my mind
unsure of what I'd find
while pleasantly surprised
blue waves and black holes
stars that've shown color
stripping away the white
but still glowing
reflecting forgiveness

reflections: fantasy is a mystery
                           &   reality holds true beauty
becoming human
the transformation from creature
                                            to woman
this existence is persistently assisting me
as my spine straightens and I grow up
an intellectual with spirit and heart
a conscious awareness for each living
creature, person, plant...
the movement of the world
time, space, distance through wind
a lack of gravity and thin layers
to travel into new skin, new motives
creating new memories to outshine
the grime

woooosh!!!
there goes
time...
wooosh!!!
so fast,
goes each moment!
each moment
is all we have,
but at least
each moment
is now.
thoughts
thoughts
thoughts
turn into action
each one combined
creating
now
today
is just
another
moment
to create
the path
you wish.

***** ashes
In a pile of roses
Petals
I am falling
Twisting and turning
Yearning for affection
While whispering that I want to be alone
Not sure which to hone
I'm trying to remember words
That make me feel at home
Although I forget
I will not regret
Time spent thinking

functioning in beats of
rhythmic movements

5am is the best time for
f   r   a g    
               m   e    n  
                           t e   d
                              m   o    m  
                                    e   n  
                                              t        s
before              I                       rush
                                                            into life
to learn and be learned
maybe even                      teach myself
                watch me as I    
touch myself

my love is breathing fire
a dragon in it's cave
no longer speaking words
because my tongue is now a slave
it was moon light
almost pure white
the night was but a wave

from the pool to the ground that we sat
our lives stretched for miles
like love melting in the bright gold sun
shading out the light with a black drop of night
everything bursts with shades from
blue to green to grey to red
our hands will gently clasp
glide by each other for a blink
don't pay attention to what distracts
skin tight clothes sticking to drenched bodies
drenched with the freshness of a new day
and all the happiness that we've been anticipating all along.

your body is an arcade
tokens cost emotion
                      energy
                        time
sorry baby,
I can't afford to play your games

full moon tonight
sky in my eyes
shadows are my sight
with blurry eyes
I squint to see
and bask in light

the deep sea
in your gaze
a glance
casting bait

drawn in
yet not cornered
strapped in
yet still free

I've been caught in,
somewhat lost in,
a moment of longing
for the next moment
that we meet.

full moon in your eyes,
my heart
a wolf,
howling.