she smokes cigarettes to numb the pain
she can't even feel the rain
doin anything to light the flame
there's nothing to do
it's all the same
she just wants to find herself
swaying to the music that's so loud it hurts
but she's been hurt before
wonderin if there's more
give her a piece and she'll build it up
nothing more sad than this empty cup
fill it up

dont you ******* dare slam my door
on the way out of my room
after i tell you im not hungry
and that im sick
dont you ******* dare yell at me
saying that im just being dramatic
when every night im crying
and i have no idea why
dont you ******* dare ask me
"why dont you talk to me
about your problems?"
dont you ******* dare

dont
you
*******
dare

I never knew my drastic changes
would ever have a name
I never imagined I would beg for medication
to help keep me sane

I thought that my sadness
was just a simple phase
I thought that in time
I would outgrow this craze

it doubled in size
and started poisoning my life
I was contemplating suicide
ending my breathing with a knife

I had badgered my parents
and fought for my mental health
but they ignored my urgency
just like everything else

I explained to my big sister
that I believed my life was on the line
that I had no control over anything
not even my mangled mind

she worried about me nonstop
I felt even more like a burden
my brain would tell me horrible things
before I could ever get a word in

I would cry for days
and then be on top of the entire world
my mind would shut down
and then awaken in a manic whirl

when I stopped being a teenager
and moved out on my own
I thought the world was for my taking
that I could survive without being thrown

abuse became my entirety
I said coke was my one true soulmate
but one day I sniffed too much
and it was almost too late

im surprised I made it
to eight months clean
I dont want to go back
but sometimes I want to scream

now im back in my old bedroom
my parents trying to understand
where did their little girl go?
she used to be so very grand

im going to see a doctor
who can finally put an end
to this crippling illness
happiness won't have to be pretend

I am not my sickness
I am not going to die
I never thought I would be okay
im not going to lie

im excited to be okay
Im ecstatic to put an end to the facade
I know life won't be perfect
but my perception will not be flawed

this isn't the end for me
in fact this is just the very start
finally for once in my life
I won't want to tear myself apart

i hope that was a green light
cos i blew through it like a cigarette
my own conscious is tearing at me
i’m speeding until i see your silhouette

the roads getting wider and
i won’t slow down for a stop sign
yeah we’ve been avoiding it
but i won’t stop until you’re mine

touch me and trace my body
fingers cruising with control
your magnetic eyes gliding
deep right into my soul

the electricity between us
starts up again without a key
i never thought these broken roads
would drift you right back to me

put your hand on top of mine
teach me to shift through the gears
feels like sunshine on my face
forces me to smile like i haven’t in years

they talk about the skeletons in closets
but nobody talks about how they were bodies
i’ve got people in my wardrobe
stacked up like they’re old hobbies
people i’ve hurt
people who’ve hit me
people who deserved it
people who couldn’t see
digging graves for memories
these people were small infinities
i’ve got to go to therapy
spill my guts to a stranger
maybe they’ll even tell help
create healthy barriers for me
or maybe it’ll show my reality
that something isn’t completely right
upstairs in my soul
my mind is so scary at night

I never know what to expect
the struggle day to day is torturing me
I never know what mood it'll be
or what side of me that you'll see

he said he gets manic in the spring
that it comes for months on end
I wish I was like him
because the day to day leaves me to fend

I hurt most days and I laugh most days
there is nothing in between
both of my demons constantly fight
which one will steal the scene?

theres nothing I can do
except try to warn everyone around me
they never understand
they always leave
they never try
I always grieve

i wished my parents would’ve checked on me more
maybe knocked on my always closed door
because the scars i have on my legs and arms
make future me wish i would’ve done real harms
i wish they would’ve talked to me and listened
instead of trusting religion & having me christened
the horror illness curse i was blessed with
is making me hope to be a recent death