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Precious

So very!

••

The gift

•••

bathing naked in the waters

The precious sacred waters

The gift

••

Preparing



The gift

Giving and receiving

••

he saw what he saw and said what he said

||||

||||

The gift

••

••



In the alleyways

Papers blowing all around
part i.

my room
clean, precise
ready
a navy dress
dainty, floral
like a little girl
loved

landing lights off
scuffle of feet rushing
silence
in this serenity
i am chaos

soft music soothing
a specialised playlist
could this be an anymore
cliché way to die?

i listen to time
awaiting a moment
sent by a rhythm

02:00
hold on
32 pills
34
or was it 68?
it doesn’t matter

02:30
what future?
there is no war
it’s all in my head

stop
what
no
need
thoughts
out
dizzy

‘help’

part ii.

what were you thinking
are you crazy
stupid stupid girl
how many

why

I don’t know
not anymore
but it will be fine
I will go to sleep

no fuss

agitation
irritable
useless
annoyance

what had I expect

strangers in the room
my room
but the only stranger
was me

I had known nothing less

voices?
did they tell you to do this?
I laughed in my mind
how cliché do they think I am

no it’s just me

part iii.

numbness and weariness
overwhelmed me
bitter bile rose
a long day ahead

name?
address?
birth date?
what made you do this?

over and over again
ringing in my ears
as I answered in the numbness
I had become

a barcode being scanned
not being looked at once more
I fought the urge to lie
well not completely

ward 14
darkness
panic
blankness

part iv.

drip drip drip
awoken to a beat
my heart or
the machine
I wish I knew

awoken to regret
a coward
a shadow
always

light shining
outside
I have become an outsider

ironically

part v.**

her scars.
trailing down her arms
I wonder
how long would it take
for her scar in her mind to heal

I make suicide look normal

her screams.
rattled the bones in my body
she was
an unravelled mayhem
in pandemonium

her shouts.
were more like pleading
between herself
and whom appeared
a fragment of a nightmare

her crying.
lasted for hours
all through the night
when she stopped
it was only the crying that stopped

I was the intruder

there was a silence in ward 14
I wanted anything but a silence
to think
think
think

looking at her sleeping form
I wonder
what she wanted to forget
but no
silence is louder than words

I was told I could go home
I should have wanted to
but there was a safeness
a safeness like me
security from outside

as I walked away
the weight of eyes
made me sink into a guilt
that I dare not look back
at ward 14
You had more life than anyone.
I can't help but be upset
because if you saw nothing
to live for then there is
certainly and without question
no hope for the rest of us.
...to start again.* I want to start again.* I want...
Impatiently rattling my golden cage
Enlightenment has scratched the bars
Shattering the illusions of comfort
A gilded cage holds me fast

I have lived a moral life …indeed

Sadly relaxed sitting in confinement
I ponder will anyone visit today
I hope it will be a joyful visit
It’s easy just listen and heed

I have lived a moral life …indeed

Weakness grips my soul as the day fades
My head cast down in pity and despair
No visitors came my way today
Another day of isolation fades in my gilded cage

I have lived a moral life …indeed

I lay my head on the concrete floor
My metal was test again today
Proudly I think I lived another righteous day
It’s late, I ponder will anyone visit today

**I have lived a moral life …indeed
I remember the neckcurls, limp and damp as tendrils;
And her quick look, a sidelong pickerel smile;
And how, once startled into talk, the light syllables leaped for her,
And she balanced in the delight of her thought,

A wren, happy, tail into the wind,
Her song trembling the twigs and small branches.
The shade sang with her;
The leaves, their whispers turned to kissing,
And the mould sang in the bleached valleys under the rose.

Oh, when she was sad, she cast herself down into such a pure depth,
Even a father could not find her:
Scraping her cheek against straw,
Stirring the clearest water.

My sparrow, you are not here,
Waiting like a fern, making a spiney shadow.
The sides of wet stones cannot console me,
Nor the moss, wound with the last light.

If only I could nudge you from this sleep,
My maimed darling, my skittery pigeon.
Over this damp grave I speak the words of my love:
I, with no rights in this matter,
Neither father nor lover.
The summer like a rajah dies,
And every widowed tree
Kindles for Congregationalist eyes
An alien suttee.
Too hip to be square
Hadn't liked Huey Lewis
Didn't see the axe
Slaves give birth to slaves.
A polluted blood stream,
The invading stream.
A blissful irony.

Lost we are,
In the clouds of our dreams;
A forgotten hope,
A dying star.

The insatiable drive,
An appetite, insatiable.
A lonely walk by the frozen river and faces in the dark,
All begin to fade..
Have you ever had bronchitis?
Tuberculosis?
Have you ever shot pigeons?
Been to prison?
Played with yourself?
Have you ever been to Egypt?
Told stories of your backyard?
Been to two places at once?
Are you religious?
Have you had dental surgery?
Does your knee hurt?
Are you scared stiff?
Do you envision everything working out?
Are there toys in your closet you haven’t played with?
Are you sexually satisfied?
Do you cry at the drop of a hat?
A sad song?
A beautiful sunset?
Does the mere act of hugging make you long for more?
When will you be happy?
Are you already happy?
Does your medical record tell your whole story?
Do the stories you tell reflect the whole you?
Are you free to visit your true self on a daily basis?
When will it be too much?
Where do we go from here?
Are there aspects of your life you would rather not talk about?
Or are you willing to tell all?
Who is your best friend?
What can we have for dinner?
How hungry are you?
For ***?
For companionship?
For peace of mind?
Will there be ample time to figure it out?
When?
Why are you so impatient?
Is it your age?
Your name here_____ (not required)
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